My Liver Is Not On The Menu Today!

health, fitness, going to the doctor, fear of doctors, Hannibal Lecter, humor, Modern PhilosopherHorror movies and haunted houses don’t frighten me, Modern Philosophers.  In fact, I love to write thrillers and scary screenplays because I take joy in figuring out new and creative ways to give someone else an awesome fright.

But do you know what makes me pee my pants in terror?

Going to the doctor!

I’d almost blocked from my mind how anxious I get at having to visit my PCP.  I might have even “accidentally” forgotten to schedule my physical last year.

In my defense, I always make the appointment during my vacation, and last year, The Sweet Irish Girl was scheduled to visit and I didn’t want her to see me in that sorry state.  Then things got really out of hand with that relationship and going to the doctor was the last thing on my mind.

This year, I made the appointment months ago, knowing full well that I was on this fitness kick and would be proud for the doc to see how healthy I was.

Then theyy rescheduled my appointment last week because my PCP went on paternity leave.  So instead of getting this out of the way on Monday, it has been hanging over my head all week.  And now I’d have to deal with a new doc.

I know the replacement doc.  She is tiny, bubbly, sweet, and super pregnant.  Not at all menacing or scary.  But in my mind, this morning, she looked like this…

health, fitness, going to the doctor, fear of doctors, Hannibal Lecter, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo I drove to the doctor’s with my stomach churning like a witch’s cauldron on Halloween.

Desperately praying that the lambs would stop their screaming.

I was in a near panic in the waiting room as I tried to fill out my paperwork.  My hands were shaking so badly that what I turned in probably looks like Ancient Sanskrit.

When the MA took my blood pressure, it was high.  Not because I have high blood pressure, but because I have an out of control fear of doctors.

I stared at my FitBit and watched my heart rate slowly lessen once the MA left the room and I was able to breathe again.

Just when I thought I had my $%^& together, Dr Lecter…I mean…my doc arrived.

As tiny and bubbly and sweet and pregnant as ever.

health, fitness, going to the doctor, fear of doctors, Hannibal Lecter, humor, Modern PhilosopherBut I still pictured her dining on my liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Even though she really should not be drinking while pregnant.

I just couldn’t clear my mind of the idea that doctors are very, very scary.

When pressed about this paralyzing fear, I always admit that it is linked to my Dad.  He went to the doctor one day, and was told he had cancer and only a few months to live.

Ever since, I’ve been afraid that my innocent annual physical would lead to my being informed of the same fate.

I know it is completely irrational, but over the years, the legend of this evil has grown in my mind.  I don’t exactly come from a healthy genetic pool.  Until five months ago, I was grossly out of shape and probably not at peak health.

It freaks me out that I could feel perfectly fine, and then have a blood test come back and reveal the dark, troubling truth.

So in my mind, which is supposed to be filled with Deep Thoughts and gold nuggets of Modern Philosopher wisdom, it is perfectly logical to conclude that if I never go to the doctor, I can never get bad news about my health.

Makes sense, right?

I know it doesn’t, but just play along!

The doc was quite impressed with my weight loss and healthier way of living.  We had a pleasant chat.  She told me everything looked fine.

health, fitness, going to the doctor, fear of doctors, Hannibal Lecter, humor, Modern PhilosopherShe didn’t try to eat me.

But for all I know, that could have been because she’d just had a big breakfast.

Or maybe since I’d lost so much weight, my leaner form didn’t look as appetizing.

We’ll probably never know for sure.

She dropped me off at the lab for my blood work, and I thought that my anxiety levels were getting back to their normal levels.

But then the patient ahead of me passed out after giving blood.  That never builds confidence in the team with the needles.

Plus, it led to a twenty minute wait to give blood I’d much rather keep in my body.

When I finally was led into the bloodletting room, the MA poked me, but could not draw any of the red stuff.  Again, not building confidence here!

Anxiety levels spiking!

He finally filled two vials, and I ran like the wind to get out of there.  All those months of running religiously paid off big time.  Luckily, I passed my RAV4 in the parking lot, and remembered to drive home, rather than running all the way.

I survived this year.  Just not looking forward to the sequel next summer…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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9 Responses to My Liver Is Not On The Menu Today!

  1. davidprosser says:

    I’m completely with you on this Austin. I have an appt next week and I’m looking for excuses to forget it now.

  2. Pingback: My Liver Is Not On The Menu Today! – The Militant Negro™

  3. The Laughable Cheese says:

    I hate going to the doctors too.

  4. Ocean Bream says:

    I once read a quote along the lines of , ‘The true mark of adulthood: Instead of your parents scheduling your doctor’s appointments, you just avoid going to the doctor and hope you don’t die’. I think it was a tweet, actually. I know for sure that I have to force my husband to go, I think he is scared of it too, but isn’t half as honest as you. I am glad you survived this year, and here’s to surviving next year too! 🙂

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