While temperatures skyrocketed into the 90s during the last week of September, Republicans panicked as renewed talk of Global Warming spread across the country faster than sweat across a hairy, fat man’s back during a heat wave, Modern Philosophers.
Desperate for a win after their latest attempt to repeal Obamacare was defeated, the GOP turned to President Trump to save the day.
The self-professed greatest deal maker to ever occupy the Oval Office came through in the clutch, and crushed any talk of Global Warming by making a new hire.
Snow Miser, Trump’s new Special Adviser on Climate Change, returned from his annual vacation early, took up residence in Steve Bannon’s old office, and quickly caused temperatures to plummet over forty degrees across the country.
When asked about Snow Miser’s immediate impact on the nation, Trump quipped, “He’s too much”.
Emboldened by their first victory in ages, Republicans quickly bundled up in winter clothing and rallied around their new ally. They declared that they would not only give repealing Obamacare another shot, but they would also begin building Trump’s border wall on Columbus Day.
And then they threw snowballs at the office windows of their Democratic rivals.
When asked why Snow Miser’s presence suddenly gave the stagnant party a newfound energy, one Republican Senator replied, “Snow Miser makes the country even whiter, and that makes me feel like we can do anything we want, just like the Good Lord intended.”
President Trump, when asked if Snow Miser’s bringing an early start to Winter would increase America’s dependence on foreign oil, demanded that every member of the White House Press Corps admit that Global Warming was a hoax before he would answer any questions.
After nearly ten minutes of awkward silence, Trump finally declared, “We all know Global Warming is a lie created by the Democrats to weaken our country and allow them to cut horrible deals…the worst deals…with the big oil nations. America doesn’t need foreign oil. We’ve got coal. More coal that any other President has ever had during his time in office. The greatest coal in the world. Let the snow come. Bring on the big freeze. We’ll just burn our coal and make America warm and great again. It’s a no brainer.”
It was a no brainer alright, Modern Philosophers, but I think we all know who was without a brain in this scenario.
And it was not the scarecrow, my pretties.
Of course, the President wasn’t done. He had a microphone, a captive audience, and his narcissism to consider.
“I didn’t hire Snow Miser just to prove that Global Warming is a lie. Our country is being overrun by traitors and I’m going to rescue it. This Sunday, every NFL player that takes a knee during the National Anthem will be encased in ice by my Special Adviser, and not thawed out until after the Super Bowl. Good luck protesting that in the freezer section!”
Democrats, utterly exhausted from constantly firing back at the President after every outlandish statement that he makes, decided to let him flap in the win on this one.
Said one amused Democrat, who wished to remain anonymous, “We’ve got a pool going as to how long the President would survive if Snow Miser lowered his body temperature to match his IQ. My money is on a number that’s even tinier than Trump’s IQ.”
So while the Republicans coo about their triumph over Global Warming, I’m cursing under my breath as I drag my Winter clothing out of storage and look for the snow shovel.
After these latest shenanigans, I’m thinking that like Snow Miser, President Trump is just too much.