“Happy Anniversary, Barry Allen,” The Devil announced with a smile upon entering the living room. “It was six months ago that you began your grand transformation from lazy, overweight man on the couch to The Flash. Congratulations.”
My Sunday guest was dressed, as always, in an impeccably tailored suit. This week, though, he had added a pin of The Flash’s iconic lightning bolt logo to his lapel.
I was touched. So I blushed a shade of shade of crimson quite similar to the color of outfit most associated with the Fastest Man Alive.
“I’m nowhere near The Flash’s speed yet, but I’ve taken major strides over the past six months,” I replied with an embarrassed smile. “Thank you for remembering my anniversary of Slacker Sobriety.”
“Slacker Sobriety,” Lucifer repeated with a chuckle. “I like that. Six months of being fit and kicking ass is no small feat. I did make you a little something, which I know goes against the healthy life you’re trying to lead, but I think you totally deserve it.”
The Prince of Darkness snapped his fingers and a whoopie pie appeared in his palm.
“Is that a whoopie pie?” I asked as I nearly drooled all over the floor at the sight of the delicious treat.
“Yes, but it’s not just any whoopie pie,” he explained as he passed the dessert to me. “It’s devil’s food cake with peanut butter cream. I thought it was a creation that summed up our relationship perfectly.”
This time, I really did drool.
“So how does it feel to be six months thinner and more physically fit?” Satan questioned as he took a seat on his end of the couch.
“I feel great, I love that I’m wearing smaller clothes, and my self-confidence is definitely on the rise,” I remarked as I handed him a Snapple from the cooler.
“I’m sensing there’s a ‘but’ coming,” The Devil quipped.
I nodded and took a long sip of my Snapple before I replied.
“I’m bummed that I’m still single,” I finally admitted. “I thought when I crawled out of my fat boy suit to reveal that there was actually a somewhat good looking guy underneath, the ladies would finally be interested again.”
“First of all, just because you’re single doesn’t mean the ladies aren’t interested,” Lucifer pointed out as he glanced at the bit of trivia inside his bottle cap. “Secondly, you cannot define your life by your relationship status.”
“That all makes sense, I guess,” I sort of agreed with a shrug. “Something about being single really screws with my confidence, though. I feel like the entire female gender is conspiring to reject me. I know that’s nuts, but that doesn’t change the fact that I believe it’s completely true.”
The Prince of Darkness gave me that look that usually means he’s trying to decide if he should reason with me, or just run me through with his pitchfork. Luckily for me, he chose the first option.
“You haven’t even asked out your crush yet, have you?” he demanded.
“No,” I mumbled in shame. “I’m starting to think she dislikes me, so I’m hoping that she will warm up to me over time. Plus, I figure the skinnier I get, the more appealing I will be to her when I finally do ask.”
“That’s an odd and unique strategy,” Satan put it as politely as possible. “My point, though, is that you cannot expect to enter into a relationship if you do not ask a woman on a date, thereby beginning the process that leads to you crazy kids going steady and macking under the bleachers during homecoming. So don’t beat yourself up for being single. Think of it as being six months closer to having the confidence to ask her out.”
“That makes sense,” I agreed. “Plus, I know I need to look at my life as a whole. I’ve lost a ton of weight, I’m much healthier, and I’m learning that I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to…other than ask out my crush.”
“I bet it wasn’t pretty the first time you ran six miles, but you didn’t give up on that, right?” The Devil asked. “Keep running, and when you feel like you’re finally ready to ask her out, follow the advice of the goddess Nike, and just do it. In the meantime, revel in the fact that you have made some big changes over the past six months.”
“Can I revel while I devour this whoopie pie?” I asked coyly.
Lucifer nodded and smiled. What was it about this guy and temptation?