What If The Pilgrims Had Run A 5K Instead?

Thanksgiving, health, fitness, overeating, humor, Modern PhilosopherFar too many Americans are fat and out of shape, Modern Philosophers.

Do you know who I blame for this?

The Pilgrims.

Those judgmental bastards with the horrible fashion sense could have ensured that this was a nation of healthy, lean, active individuals, but they chose to go in an entirely different direction.

I had an epiphany last night while in the grocery store.

I was loading up my cart with the fattening staples of a traditional Thanksgiving feast…


Mashed potatoes.


So much gravy.

Apple pie.

Ice cream to top the aforementioned pie.

Back down the gravy aisle for a few more jars.  You know, just in case.

Thanksgiving, health, fitness, overeating, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat’s when I realized it was all the Pilgrims’ fault.  They had sent this country waddling down the path of inevitable obesity by making an extravagant Thanksgiving dinner a holiday staple.

Winter is hard enough already.

It’s too damn cold, dark, and snowy for anyone to want to go outside and be active.  That loss of activity slows down the metabolism and prevents calories from being burned.

Americans are stuck inside the house for months, trapped with their annoying families, and rather than clearing the treadmill of dirty laundry and running a few miles, they go into the kitchen and stress eat.

All because of the stupid, shortsighted Pilgrims.

They had to go and throw a giant feast to celebrate the harvest and make nice with the Native Americans.

Why couldn’t the Pilgrims have foregone the high caloric spread, and organized a 5K instead?  The Indians were, by all accounts, a very active people, so a running event probably would have been more up their alley.

Were they afraid to get their hideous wardrobes all sweaty?  Were they concerned about trying to run in their heeled shoes with the big buckles?  Did they think the natives would kick their butts in a race, which would then swing the balance of power in the region?

Thanksgiving, health, fitness, overeating, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhatever the reason, the Pilgrims ensured that every November ends with millions of Americans stuffing their faces with, among other things, stuffing.

After that, there’s plenty of leftovers to devour all weekend.  Once a nation has developed a taste for a turkey feast with all the fixings, it just wants more holiday food.

Thanksgiving slides into Christmas, which is all about Americans falling asleep every night with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads.  Over the month of December, those sugar plums morph into Christmas cookies, holiday pies, and entire gingerbread villages paved with chocolate and peanut butter.

If the Pilgrims had run a 5K on the first Thanksgiving, Americans would most likely continue that tradition and run that race every year.

Logic dictates that instead of riding the gravy train down the path to holiday obesity, my fellow Americans would choose to run down a healthier road.  That first 5K would lead to other, longer races during the Holiday Season, finally capping off with a Christmas Morning Marathon.

How awesome would that be?

There would be no need to make America great again, because this would be a bad ass nation of lean, mean, running machines.

Thanks, Pilgrims.

Because of you, we’re fat, lazy, and addicted to stuffing.

Thanksgiving, health, fitness, overeating, humor, Modern PhilosopherI refuse to let the poorly dressed ghosts of Thanksgiving past haunt my present.  Sure, I’m still going to make turkey and stuffing on Thursday, but only after I go for a long run that morning.

Today, in direct defiance of the Pilgrims, I went for a nine mile run.  That’s the longest distance I’ve ever run.

Nine miles less than a week before Thanksgiving.  What do you think about that, Pilgrims?

I think it makes me very thankful that I know how to make my Holiday Season healthier and happier.

I hope you all have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving.  Don’t be afraid to start a new tradition of burning off some calories before you sit down to your mighty feast…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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