Why Does Santa Have A Pitchfork?

Christmas, Christmas Spirit, short story, The Devil, humor, Modern Philosopher“How about we put up some lights and decorations today so we can say The House on the Hill is beginning to look a lot like Christmas?” The Devil suggested enthusiastically as he glided into the living room.

I looked up from my laptop and was caught a bit off guard at the sight of my often annoying Sunday guest.  He was wearing his usual impeccably tailored suit, but this week’s outfit had a little holiday flourish.

There was an impossible to miss green and red Christmas tie, but the cherry on top of this Christmas sundae was the Santa Claus hat sitting askew on Lucifer’s head.

“What the Hell has gotten into you?” I asked as I set aside my computer to really take in the vision of sugar plums that danced before me.

“Thanksgiving is over, so it’s time to get into the Christmas Spirit!” The Prince of Darkness encouraged as he tossed me a candy cane.

I was confused as I reached into the cooler for a Snapple.  And it wasn’t only because I thought that the weekend after Thanksgiving was way too early for Christmas decorations.  I mean, show a little respect for the turkeys that gave their lives to fill our bellies.

Having spent twelve years in Catholic school, I was positive that Satan should not be a big fan of the holiday that celebrates the birth of one of his mortal enemies.

“Why are you pimping out Christmas?” I asked accusingly.  “You’re the last being I’d expect to want to deck the halls for the birthday boy.”

The Devil waved off my comments and tapped his pitchfork again the living room floor.  His weapon lit up with red and green flashing lights, and several boxes of Christmas ornaments and decorations magically appeared in front of him.

Christmas, Christmas Spirit, short story, The Devil, humor, Modern Philosopher“I don’t think of Christmas as his birthday,” Lucifer explained as he skillfully twirled his holiday pitchfork for my entertainment.  “I see it like most Americans do…as an opportunity to let greed run rampant as commercialism shoves all religious meaning into a deep, dark corner where no one will ever notice it.”

I took a sip of Snapple and nodded.

“You’re a student of the Gordon Gekko School of Christmas,” I quipped.

“You are correct,” The Prince of Darkness flashed a million dollar smile as he used his pitchfork to lift a beautifully decorated wreath from one of the boxes.  “Greed is good.  The more money spent, the merrier the Christmas.”

“Well, you know I never decorate for Christmas,” I reminded him as he hung the wreath on the wall above the television.  “It’s just me, and I never get any presents, so I try not to remind myself of how I’m missing out on the joy of the season.”

“Maybe you don’t get any presents because you don’t put up a tree,” Satan replied as he pulled the longest string of lights I’d ever seen out of another box.  “Santa needs a tree in order to make deliveries.  Didn’t the Nuns teach you that?”

Christmas, Christmas Spirit, short story, The Devil, humor, Modern Philosopher“No, the Nuns tended to limit their teachings to the the religious aspects of the holiday,” I stated like a well taught Catholic school student.  “They did point out, though, that Satan and Santa are spelled almost the same, you’re both famous for wearing red, and you both like to give amazing gifts.  Of course, Santa’s generosity doesn’t come with the price tag of one’s immortal soul.”

“That’s because I’m not trying to buy your love like a parent of divorce,” The Devil shot back at me as he pulled two giant wooden soldiers out of the box and placed them so that their stared menacingly at me.  “Stop being a Scrooge and help me decorate.”

I didn’t budge.  I just took another sip of Snapple and glared at the wooden soldiers.

“If you help me, I’ll make sure you go on a date before Christmas,” Lucifer promised.  “And in the Spirit of Christmas, I won’t even ask for your soul as payment.”

He pointed his festive pitchfork at me, I shrugged, and then got up off the couch.

What the Hell?  A little Christmas Spirit couldn’t hurt…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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3 Responses to Why Does Santa Have A Pitchfork?

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