The same sources confirm that Old St. Nick, who is currently not at all jolly, has retreated to his personal residence to ponder how to handle the situation.
At the moment, toy production remains on schedule, but that could all change if the boss decides that Christmas should be canceled because the world has been overrun by Republicans…I mean…naughty types.
Luckily, I have access to Santa at his residence via Skype, and was able to get in touch with him to get some answers. I also took the opportunity to plead with him to not punish the innocent for the crimes of The Electoral College.
“I thought 2017 couldn’t get any worse, Austin,” Santa declared in between bites of Christmas cookies, “but then that naughty Republican Tax Bill passed last night. Not only do I have to put everyone who voted for the bill on the Naughty List, but I also need to add every fat cat billionaire who stands to benefit from it. As far as I’m concerned, all the new tax breaks they will be getting can serve as their Christmas gifts for the rest of their lives.”
In all the years I’ve known Santa Claus, I’ve never seen him this stressed. He was pounding cookies like they were candy, and chugging eggnog faster than a Republican can screw over a hardworking member of the working class.
“Now we’ve got Michael Flynn confessing to lying to the FBI, which is going to blow open this whole Russian collusion fiasco,” Santa added with a heavy sigh. “You know that guy is going to sing like a partridge in a pear tree just to save his own hide. That means even more names for the Naughty List.”
Clearly the concept of seeing and knowing all was taking its toll on the man in red.
“The Naughty List has never been this long,” he told me as he wiped cookie crumbs out of his beard. “Truth be told, it’s pretty much a list of every registered Republican in the United States, with a few bratty kids sprinkled in for color. What is wrong with the Republicans? Even the worst children know to be good this time of year so I’ll bring them presents, but it’s like the GOP is purposely doing things to upset me.”
I shared my theory that the Elephant Party was scurrying to get as much done as possible before everyone in the White House is arrested and/or thrown out of office.
That made Santa chuckle. It wasn’t the kind of laugh that made his mighty belly shake like a bowl of jelly, but it was a start.
And it got him to lay off the cookies for a few minutes.
“Of course, if it’s not Trump and his cronies, it’s the celebrity sex predators,” Santa growled once reality caught up with him again. “Whenever I watch a movie or TV show now, I’m wondering if the next man to get outed is on the screen or in the credits. I can’t even watch The Usual Suspects anymore, and that’s one of my all time favorite flicks. What has gotten into rich, powerful white men lately?”
That’s easy, Santa. Rich, powerful white men have become the usual suspects. Does that mean Trump is Keyser Soze? Nah. He couldn’t pull of that elaborate of a con.
Then again, he did convince enough people to believe in his promises to make America great again to get him elected President.
I wonder how those folks are enjoying their border wall, the fall of ISIS, and the lovely new Republican Tax Bill that Santa Trump is putting under all their Christmas trees.
“I don’t know if I can survive three more Christmases of a Trump Presidency,” Santa confessed as he poured another glass of eggnog.
Well, maybe Robert Mueller will play Santa Claus and bring us the gift of indictments that will save us from four years of President Trump.
After all, it is Christmas, and you have to believe in the magic of the holiday.
Santa Claus gave me his word that he wouldn’t let the actions of a few bad seeds (he might have said Republicans, but the Skype connection flickered ever so briefly at that exact moment) ruin Christmas for those of us who didn’t vote for Trump.
Keep the faith, Modern Philosophers. Believe in the magic of Christmas, and send your wishes for a new President to Robert Mueller, care of the North Pole. Santa Claus will make sure your letters get to him.