When The Weather Outside Is Frightful

The Devil, short story, running, fitness, humor, Modern Philosopher“I noticed your post-run photo on my Facebook feed this morning,” The Devil informed me as he fished a bottle of Snapple out of the cooler.  “Ten degrees seems awfully chilly to be going outside for anything, let alone a voluntary run.”

I sipped my Snapple and smiled at my guest in the expensive, impeccably tailored suit.  I was proud of the fact that I had not let the bad weather deter me from the completion of my daily fitness rounds.

“I think it’s weird that you follow me on Facebook,” I countered.  “And how can you follow me when we’re not friends and I can’t even find a profile page for you?”

Lucifer flashed a devilish grin.  “Mark Zuckerberg and I have a special arrangement.  Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?”

But I didn’t want to drop the subject.  Not when I had so many questions.  Clearly, The Prince of Darkness was implying that he was somehow involved in Zuckerberg’s success.  Suddenly, Facebook’s popularity made much more sense.

“I bundled myself up, and I really couldn’t feel the cold once I started running,” I confessed.  “I don’t understand how it’s possible to generate sweat at such a low temperature, but I managed to make it happen.”

“Cheers to you then,” Satan raised his bottle in my honor.  “To the man who continues to run even when the weather outside is frightful.”

I raised my bottle of Snapple as I accepted the toast.

The Devil, short story, running, fitness, humor, Modern Philosopher“I ran in the snow twice this week,” I bragged.  “It’s winter in Maine, so if I’m serious about fitness, I’m going to have to get out there in horrible conditions.  I’m pretty pumped that it’s the middle of December, and I’ve yet to break with my running routine.”

“You do look somewhat sinister in the photos where you are wearing that cowl,” The Devil admitted.  “At first glance, you appear to be on your way to a bank heist.  Then I realize that banks aren’t open in the wee hours of the morning before sunrise.”

I couldn’t tell if he was impressed by my running habits, or just mocking me.  I didn’t care, though.

“It’s not a fashion show, it’s running,” I reminded my sharp dressed guest.  “That mask keeps my face free of frostbite.  I’m never going to find a date if my cheeks freeze off.”

Lucifer nodded in agreement.  “Do you know where it never snows in December?  Where the the ground is never icy and the frigid winds never try to steal your body parts?  In Hell.  You should run down there.”

I rolled my eyes at the suggestion.  “I’m not going to give up my eternal soul just so I can run without a mask or fear of frostbite.”

The Prince of Darkness took a long sip of his Snapple and then shook his head at me.

“When did I say you’d save to surrender your soul?” he chided me.  “It’s Christmas.  A time of giving.  I’m offering my friend a place to run so he can continue on his noble quest to get into shape and slim down for the ladies.  I’ll give you a key card so you can come and go as you wish.”

The Devil, short story, running, fitness, humor, Modern PhilosopherFor once, I didn’t know what to say.  I mean, I was right to assume he would want my soul in exchange for this favor, right?  This was Satan, after all.

“I apologize for jumping to conclusions,” I said.  “Is there even a place where I could run down there, though?  Isn’t Hell all caves and rivers of molten lava?”

“What did those Nuns teach you?” The Devil chuckled.  “There’s an entire ring of Hell packed with treadmills and running trails.  I make the lazy types and the people who were always skinny without putting in any effort, run there for all eternity.”

“You are evil,” I remarked.

“Thank you for the compliment,” Lucifer responded with a beaming smile.  “The offer still stands.  Any time you want to come down for a run, just post something about it in your Facebook status.  I’ll make it happen.”

“I have so many questions about you and Zuckerberg,” I confessed.

“I know,” The Prince of Darkness answered with a wink.  “Those answers are going to cost you, though…”

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Fitness, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to When The Weather Outside Is Frightful

  1. The Hook says:

    You run in the snow, Austin?
    I can barely walk through the mess Mother Nature has blessed Niagara with, so my bellman cap’s off to you, buddy.

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