My New Year’s Eve guest had eschewed his usual impeccably tailored suit for a sharp tuxedo that made him look like Hell’s version of James Bond.
“My only resolution is to forget about 2017 as quickly as possible,” I replied without any hesitation. “In fact, when I finally get my time machine working at some point in the new year, I’m going to make sure it is impossible for me to ever journey back to this year.”
I downed my Snapple in one gulp and held out my flute for a refill.
“So you’re resolving to finish your time machine?” Lucifer asked with a devilish grin on his handsome face as he supplied me with more iced tea.
“Drop the subject of New Year’s resolutions, or I’m going to rescind my dinner invitation,” I warned with a stern look.
The Prince of Darkness made a motion as if he were locking his lips.
“Thank you for asking me to stay for dinner,” he said after taking a sip of his Snapple. “You’ve never asked me to extend my weekly visit by partaking in the evening meal.”
“Don’t make me regret it,” I advised. “It’s New Year’s Eve and it would be nice to not spend a holiday alone for once. Plus, as I’ve already alluded, it’s been a horrible year and I want you here to personally escort 2017 to Hell where it belongs.”
“I’d never heard of it, either, until I met my ex-wife,” I confessed and then let out a sigh.
I didn’t mean to sigh. It’s just something that happens whenever I talk about the woman to whom I used to be married.
“Having creamed chipped beef on toast for New Year’s Eve dinner was a tradition in J’s household, and since I had no special holiday dinner in my family history, it became our thing,” I continued. “It’s actually pretty yummy, so it has been the only thing to survive our divorce.”
“Perhaps it’s somewhat fitting that you ring out the old year with a reminder of that failed relationship,” The Devil suggested. “It might somehow inspire you find a new special someone with whom you can develop new holiday traditions.”
“That’s a bit of a stretch,” I chided him with a disappointed shake of the head. “Clearly, the creamed chipped beef has yet to work its New Year’s magic.”
“But you’ve never had it on New Year’s Eve with me,” Lucifer persisted.
“I’m sure that’s it,” I replied sarcastically. “Because nothing leads to true love like sharing your ex-wife’s favorite holiday meal with The Prince of Darkness. I’m surprised someone hasn’t made a romantic comedy about that yet.”
I rolled my eyes, but didn’t say anything because I had secretly resolved to be less confrontational in 2018.
I just don’t want anyone to know about that resolution because I have serious doubts that I can keep it…
Happy New Year, Modern Philosophers!