Birthdays Can Be Hell

short story, The Devil, Happy Birthday, humor, Modern Philosopher“Happy Birthday!” The Devil shouted excitedly as he burst into the living room.

As always, he was well dressed in an impeccably tailored suit, but he had added a colorful cardboard birthday hat to his ensemble.

In his hands, he held an enormous whoopie pie topped with blazing birthday candles.

“You made me a cake?” I asked as he placed the treat on the table in front of me.

The heat coming off the numerous candles caused me to break into a sweat, but I smiled nevertheless as it was literally a very sweet gesture.

“Devil’s Food Whoopie Pie Cake,” Lucifer informed me proudly.  “Made it myself.  Didn’t just conjure it up with a snap of my fingers.  You should feel special.”

I blew out the candles.  Thank goodness I’d been running so much lately, or I would not have had the lung capacity to extinguish so many flames.

With my right index finger, I dug out some of the cream filling and quickly sampled it.

“This is really good!” I gave my glowing review before looking around for a knife with which to cut the delicious dessert.

The Prince of Darkness snapped his fingers to conjure up a knife, forks, and a couple of plates.  While I set to work on carving out two humongous pieces for us to enjoy, he came around to my side of the table and fished two bottles of Snapple out of the cooler.

short story, The Devil, Happy Birthday, humor, Modern Philosopher“I hope this makes up for the lonely birthday you suffered through yesterday,” Satan remarked as I handed him his plate.

I shrugged and stared down at the enormous hunk of whoopie pie awaiting me.  “I’m used to my birthday sucking.  When you’re an adult, your birthday falls through the cracks unless you have a significant other, who is obligated to pull out all the stops.”

I know that sounded simplistic, but it was true.  Birthdays are child’s play.  Once you’re an adult, people stop celebrating your birth and giving you presents unless they are guilted into doing so by your special someone.  Even then, you have to ply them with lots of booze.

“One more reason for you to find a girlfriend then,” The Devil observed as he washed down some whoopie pie with a gulp of Snapple.

“True, but then I’d be obligated to go all out on her birthday,” I replied.  “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of spoiling the woman I love, but you try convincing a group of adults to give up their free time to celebrate a child’s holiday.  Anyone I can trick/coerce into attending her party, will then expect me to reciprocate by being at the two birthday parties that couple throws during the year.”

“I didn’t realize birthdays were so stressful,” Lucifer remarked as he polished off the rest of his serving.

I chugged half my Snapple and nodded.

short story, The Devil, Happy Birthday, humor, Modern Philosopher“Birthdays are Hell,” I stated for the record.  “All they really mean is we’re another year closer to the end of our run, and that some new body part with falter, act up, or do something alarming before it’s time to blow out the candles again.”

“I’m glad I’m immortal and don’t have a birthday,” The Prince of Darkness remarked as a devilish grin swept across his handsome, ageless face.  “I’m also thrilled that I don’t gain weight because this whoopie pie is delicious and I’m definitely having more.”

For the record, even though I can and often do gain weight, I had more of the whoopie pie cake as well.

After all, you only live once, and I had another birthday to worry about in 364 days…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Birthdays Can Be Hell

  1. The Hook says:

    You’re not getting older, Austin.. you’re getting funnier.

  2. This is delightfully clever, engaging, and sooooo entertaining! Thanks for sharing

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