There’s even more reason to celebrate the most Irish day on American calendars this year. For the first time since the Electoral College installed Donald Trump as President, there’s reason for Americans to believe that the Luck of the Irish is on their side.
Reports coming out of Heaven today are that St. Patrick intends to drive Trump out of the White House, much like he drove the snakes out of Ireland centuries ago.
“Trump’s nothing more than a big snake,” St. Patrick told this Modern Philosopher. “If I can rid an entire island of the slimy things, I can certainly remove one giant slimy creature from an old house.”
When I asked the Patron Saint of March 17 why he had decided to return to the earthly plane to tackle this task, his answer was simple…
“I’m tired of watching this big, orange baboon destroy my second favorite country on the planet,” St. Patrick explained. “It really gets my Irish up to have to listen to anything out of his mouth, and the way he treats his fellow man offends the Christian in me.”
Essentially, St. Patrick feels the same way a majority of Americans do.
“And don’t even get me started on the tweeting,” he added with a roll of his eyes.
But isn’t it unusual for a Saint to leave the comfy, cloudy confines behind the Pearly Gates to visit the living to take care of a personal matter?
“Not at all, Austin,” St. Patrick assured me with a charming smile. “St. Valentine roams the earth every February 14th, and St. Nick lives at the North Pole year round. Plus, all Saints eat free at any Long John Silver’s on the planet on All Saints Day.”
If I’d known about the special holiday discount, I’d have been hanging out at Long John Silver’s every November 1st looking to get a few Saintly selfies to spice up my Facebook.
Why does St. Patrick even care about American politics, though? I could see if President Trump was driving Ireland back into the Stone Age, or threatening it with potato and U2 tariffs.
“There isn’t much to do in Heaven after hours, so I watch late night talk shows and the twenty-four hour news stations,” he explained. “Those late night hosts, especially Stephen Colbert, really opened my eyes about the threat that Trump is to basic human decency. Sure, I’m dead and long retired, but that doesn’t mean I can just turn a blind eye to such offensive behavior. Time to get back to work.”
And God is okay with his coming back to drive Trump out of the White House?
“Oh, He was both grateful and relieved,” St. Patrick confirmed. “God has a lot on His plate right now, and while smiting is one of His favorite things to do, He tries to leave that as a last resort because it usually makes the rest of mankind cower in fear. Especially when it’s a high profile target. So when I brought up my plan to go full snake exterminator on Trump, the Boss was all for it.”
St. Patrick did not divulge the exact time that he planned to take care of the Trump problem that’s plagued the White House for over a year, but he promised it would be well worth the wait.
“Don’t want to tip my hand at let him know when I’m going to arrive,” he told me with a wink. “I made that mistake back in the day with the snakes, and it took me much longer to complete that task than I’d originally anticipated.”
Either Trump has fired everyone, or the staff is out using the holiday as an excuse to tie one on, and try to forget about how much they hate their jobs and their boss.
I guess I will just keep checking Twitter for Trump’s official comment.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!