Trump Preemptively Fires Random Americans From White House Jobs

Donald Trump, John Kelly, The White House, politics, satire, humor, Modern PhilosopherPresident Trump today fired 5,000 Americans from jobs in the White House.

Predictably, the citizens, who had never worked for the President or at the White House, were caught off guard by the move.

The termination notices were sent out by email from the official White House account, and the recipients were randomly selected by a computer program.

According to Chief of Staff John Kelly, the firings were a strategic, preemptive move to stop a larger problem.

“President Trump has gotten a bit out of control with firing and/or politely suggesting that certain members of the White House staff resign,” Kelly explained with a heavy sigh to the White House Press Corps.  “The few of us still remaining thought that maybe if the President just got the firings out of his system all at once, he might finally be able to move on to more pressing matters.”

More pressing matters such as tweeting typo riddled insults, or thinly veiled threats aimed at foreign leaders?

Or more pressing matters like sleeping with porn stars and forcing his staff to sign non-disclosure agreements?

Donald Trump, John Kelly, The White House, politics, satire, humor, Modern Philosopher“More pressing matters like running this nation and making America great again,” Kelly clarified, and then hung his head like an exhausted substitute teacher who has come to terms with the fact that he has totally lost control of his classroom.

Rumor has it that Trump is not even aware of the fact that he is President of the United States, but rather, thinks he is producing and starring in a season of Celebrity Apprentice: White House Edition.

To that end, the mass firings could have been explained to Trump as a promotional tie in to help boost the show’s ratings.

Another theory is that General Kelly and other staffers have told the President that this season of Celebrity Apprentice is taking on elements of Survivor and Big Brother in a quest to make it the highest rated reality television show of all time.

Whatever the reason, thousands of Americans were terminated today from White House jobs they never even held.

Donald Trump, John Kelly, The White House, politics, satire, humor, Modern PhilosopherWith that in mind, Kelly continued: “Since these people were never employees of the White House or the Trump administration, they will not be eligible for unemployment benefits.  However, because this is still a free country, at least for the time being, they can make the rounds of all the talk shows and tell the world what it was like to be fired by President Trump.”

General Kelly’s lame attempt at humor was not well received by the Press Corps.

With today’s firing of 5,000 people, the grand total of White House employees who have either quit or been fired by President Trump now sits at just under 25,000.

That’s a pretty big number for a little more than one year in office.

Will any more random citizens be fired?  How much longer will John Kelly remain as Chief of Staff?  Tune in to the next exciting installment of Celebrity Apprentice: White House Edition to find out.

And if you don’t tune in, you’ll be fired!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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2 Responses to Trump Preemptively Fires Random Americans From White House Jobs

  1. cat9984 says:

    See they got another one today. The guy nominated for head of the VA didn’t even make it the confirmation hearings

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