As always, my Sunday guest was well-dressed in an impeccably tailored suit. This week, he’d chosen a bright, pastel colored tie as a nod to the arrival of Spring.
“It will also be Easter Sunday, so I wasn’t sure if I should expect you,” I replied as I fished a bottle of Snapple out of the cooler.
“Of course I’ll be here!” Lucifer looked at me like I’d just said the stupidest thing he’d ever heard. “Since I know you don’t have an Easter Bunny in your life at the moment, I plan to bring you an enormous Easter basket.”
“That’s very kind, but not at all necessary,” I informed him. “However, I’ll never turn away chocolate or anything chocolate peanut butter.”
“Why did you think I wouldn’t make our standing appointment next week?” The Prince of Darkness asked as he made a mental note to buy lots of chocolate peanut butter items for the aforementioned basket.
“Easter is Jesus’ big day,” I reminded him. “Wasn’t sure if you’d want to be out and about when the world is celebrating your competition’s Resurrection.”
Lucifer waved off my words as if there were completely ludicrous.
“I was here on Christmas, so I’m certainly going to be here on the day that celebrates Jesus’ little magic trick,” he chuckled. “Look at me, I can rise from the dead. I’m a Zombie. Don’t worry, I won’t eat your brain, but I will give you chocolate.”
“That sounds a little evil even for you,” I said.
“Lighten up, Mr. Altar Boy,” The Devil mocked me with my past. “Your stepmother and the Nuns aren’t here to threaten you with eternal Hellfire.”
The mere thought of spending eternity, rather than just every Sunday, with the being on the other end of the couch was enough to give me a headache. I rubbed my temple with my free hand, and used the other to raise my Snapple to my lips.
“I’m sorry if I offended you,” Lucifer correctly accepted my silence to mean that I was a bit uncomfortable with what he’d said. “It’s just that the Resurrection was a parlor trick. Jesus is the Son of God. He’s immortal. You can’t kill Him, not matter what method you or the Roman Empire tries. He took advantage of a gullible audience.”
I chugged some more Snapple because I really didn’t know what to say.
Religion was a very touchy topic for me, and even more so when the person on the other end of the conversation had issues with the God I was raised to worship, and was armed with a scary pitchfork.
There’s was really only one thing left to do. Change the subject.
“Even though it will be April, I bet you it snows,” I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “It snowed today during my run. It snowed last night on my walk. On Thursday, it wasn’t snowing when I left on my run, but it was like a blizzard by the time I got back here. It’s never going to stop snowing!”
“Maybe if you say your prayers all week, there will be no snow on Easter Sunday,” The Prince of Darkness quipped. “Now that is an Easter miracle that would actually impress me.”
I rolled my eyes. This conversation was Hell…