Today, a team of government scientists from The Department Utilizing Statistics & Tables (DUST) announced its findings regarding the cause of stress.
Prepare to have your mind blown.
“We have determined with inexplicable scientific proof that stress is directly linked to the existence of other people,” announced Dr. Abby Vuss.
Dr. Vuss, the head of the DUST team that conducted the study, then produced a mind numbing number of charts and graphs to back up her findings.
Is that a Nobel Prize I smell, or did someone forget they left on a Bunsen burner?
When pressed for more details, Dr. Vuss surprised reporters, who had clearly drawn the short straw in the assignment pool, by exploding at them.
“The mere fact that you deem it necessary to pepper me with questions about our findings proves that they are correct!” she yelled before throwing her bottled water into the crowd, flipping off the press corps, and then storming off the stage.
The good doctor’s unexpected fleeing of the scene left reporters working on a deadline with very little to report other than the sordid details of her meltdown.
This Modern Philosopher, however, used his contacts at DUST to get another few hundred words for this blog post from an anonymous source.
“Ironically, we’re all under an extreme amount of stress right now,” my source put it delicately. “No one in the current administration really believes in science, so we are fighting to prove our relevance so we do not lose our funding and our jobs.”
“The only assignments we’ve gotten recently have been from Vice President Pence,” he continued after taking a long sip of the drink I’d bought him to get him to talk.
And what did the Vice President want DUST to do?
“Just last week, he wanted us to prove that God loves Republicans more than Democrats. Another time, he wanted us to prove that sex outside of marriage kills people.”
It quickly became obvious why the study on stress was conducted, and that the findings might have been directed at The White House.
Maybe Dr. Vuss and her team really did deserve a Nobel Prize.
At the very least, they deserved my respect.
I asked the team of scientists that I keep on retainer to answer the blog’s science questions, if they agreed with the conclusion reached by DUST.
When I threatened to cut off their funding, WiFi access, and Dungeons and Dragons privileges if they didn’t answer my question, the Brain Trust quickly got serious.
“The human brain is a very complex organ,” the head nerd on duty explained. “So many things can trigger stress, but when you break it down to the basics, pretty much all stress is caused by the existence of others. Were the world suddenly devoid of humans, it is my hypothesis that all stress would become extinct.”
And that’s why those brainiacs earn the big bucks.
Now I’ve got to find some aspirin. This assignment has given me a major headache…