Meet Joe Cool(er)

humor, summer, heatwave, Maine, Modern PhilospherIn all the excitement about my screenplay news on Tuesday (He Said Yes To The Screenplay), I forgot to tell you about the other life altering event that occurred on the very same day, Modern Philosophers.

After fifteen years at The House on the Hill, I finally caved and bought an air conditioner!

Before you mock me for not holding to my convictions (It costs so much to heat this house in the winter, I refuse to pay to cool it, too!), please keep in mind that it has been brutally hot in Maine for the past week.

It was so bad, that I didn’t even leave the house last weekend after my morning runs.  My neighbors actually asked if I was sick because I’m always out walking.  I confessed that my health was fine, my step count had to suffer because there was no way I could handle the heat and humidity.

I could not sleep, and that was the real tipping point for me.  I don’t mind taking it easier on the physical fitness front, and I can deal with it being a little uncomfortable when I’m on the first floor eating and watching TV, but to spend the night tossing and turning because it’s too damn hot is unacceptable.

Usually, the tower fan in the bedroom is enough to lull me to sleep, but this recent heatwave was Heat Miser at his finest.  Clearly, he’s grown tired of his brother getting all the headlines in Maine, and decided to show that he can be a royal pain in the ass, too.

The temperature upstairs in The House in the Hill was about the same as what my Sunday guest is used to on a daily basis in his home office.  In fact, I was so delirious from the heat that I was certain The Devil was sitting at the foot of the bed, counting sheep as they jumped through rings of Hellfire.

humor, summer, heatwave, Maine, Modern PhilospherOn Monday night, I went next door to talk to Mark about air conditioning options.  We looked at several brands online, and once he promised that he would be around after work on Tuesday to help me install my new purchase, Operation Joe Cooler was a go!

As with all big life changes, it did not go according to plan.  Which is why I hate change.

I drove straight to Walmart after work.  I could not find any of the air conditioners that had been advertised on the store’s website.  Nor could I find a single associate to help me locate them.

Apparently, the employees had all melted in the heat and humidity, and that puddle I’d stepped in back in aisle 7 was actually Louis from the Hardware Department.

Finally, I found an associate stacking cans of cat food.  He was pretty sure they were sold out, but he did wander around with me until he found someone who could state, with certainty, that there were no more air conditioners to be found in the store.

I nearly lost my cool at that point, but I was too exhausted to have a tantrum.  I just stormed out of the store (slowly, though, because it was so damn hot) and drove down the road to Lowe’s.

At Lowe’s, I discovered an associate guarding a stack of six air conditioners near the front door.  They had just been delivered, and were the only ones in stock.  They were larger and more expensive than what I had planned on buying, but the sweat pouring down my back convinced me to just do it.

I reasoned that I’d gone fifteen years without one, so I’d saved enough money over that time to spring for something other than the $99 Walmart special.

Mark helped me to install it.  And by “help”, I mean that Mark did most of the work while I asked stupid questions and stood around sweating.

Now I have this in the bedroom window…

humor, summer, heatwave, Maine, Modern PhilospherThe thermostat on my new weapon against Heat Miser registered 85 degrees when we first turned it on, but it quickly cooled the room to a more comfortable temperature.

I fell asleep to the machine’s reassuring hum for the last three nights of the heatwave.  I ended up waking up around 4:30 each of the next mornings and turning it off because the bedroom had achieved a late autumn feel by that time.

Obviously, I slept much better.  It still took me a little time to unwind and relax because my body temperature was so high, but once asleep, I dreamed of building snowmen and hanging out with Santa Claus.  It was delightful.

Yesterday, Heat Miser finally decided to take a break.  We had torrential downpours all day and then powerful winds rattled the windows all night.  The temperature plummeted into the 50s overnight, and there was no need to turn on the air conditioner.

I’m writing this out on the porch now, and again the temperature is very tolerable.  But even if it does decide to become mostly boiling with a chance of Hellfire again, I know I will be okay.

Because The House on the Hill is now wired to chill, and I’m Joe Cool(er).

How have you been beating the heat?

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Meet Joe Cool(er)

  1. markbialczak says:

    Good investment, Austin. You can’t put a price on your comfort. Actually, now you can. It’s the price of a spiffy Lowe’s air conditioner spread out over 15 years, carry a …

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