I love you guys, but you can be so demanding!
Since I’m tired of the freckle faced intern constantly giving me the evil eye about this, I’ve decided to relent and give the people what they want.
You do realize, though, that I suck at dating, so my advice probably isn’t going to be that helpful, right?
If I have to do this, I can at least be topical. So this week’s post is about How To Tell If Your Date Has A Crush On Putin…
She keeps bringing up Putin in conversation. We’ve all been on dates with people who cannot stop talking about their ex. It’s a painful experience because you know that she is not over him, and she’s not going to shut up about him all night.
There is something even worse than the non-stop ex talk, and that’s when she goes on and on about that one friend who knows her so well. They’re just friends, though. She doesn’t think about him that way. And he certainly doesn’t think of her that way. She then tries to convince herself of that as you watch her blush at the mere thought of him.
Putin is that guy. She works him into every conversation, and pretends not to realize it’s because she’s crushing on him real hard.
“Work was horrible today. The air conditioning was on the fritz, so it was colder than Siberia. Of course, if it really was Siberia, Putin would be in charge, and you know damn well he’d make sure the AC was working properly.”
Or the waiter says he’ll put in your order, and she goes, “Speaking of Putin, did you see what they said about him on CNN today? Fake news!”
She keeps comparing you to Putin. Who hasn’t been compared to another man in your date’s life? It’s one thing if it’s another desk jockey your age, who is in the same income bracket. But how the hell are you supposed to survive comparisons to a billionaire world leader?
I’m not sure why I don’t have more pictures on Facebook of me riding a horse while also not wearing a shirt. No, I don’t intend to work in that office forever, but I also don’t have any plans for world domination and striking fear into the lives of millions. I’m sorry my parents didn’t give me a cooler, vampire name…
She takes Putin’s side over her friends, family, coworkers, and basically anyone. There will come a time during your date when she will open up, and confess that people in her life, who she has known forever, have said horrible things about Putin. But rather than listen to these people, who know her better than anyone, she will defend Putin and tell her friends, family, and colleagues that they are dead wrong.
She will then sit there, running up the dinner bill because she’s going to get so fired up and want more of that expensive wine to wash down her anger, and tell you why Putin is the next coming of Mother Theresa and everyone else is wrong about him. Including you, even though you have wisely kept your mouth shut all night and not shared a single thought about the man.
You don’t speak that passionately on someone’s behalf unless you have feelings. Trust me on this, Modern Philosophers.
She tweets about Putin almost obsessively, even during your date. You know it’s bad when she sits across from you and tweets about the President of Russia. She can tell you she is only doing it because she feels the need to “defend him from all the haters”, but you know better.
Putin can defend himself. He probably doesn’t even look at Twitter. He’s too busy running a country to bother with such silliness.
The fact that she is constantly tweeting about him tells you that you need to stop following her on Twitter immediately. And that there’s no need to plan a second date.
In fact, you’re probably better off just letting her tweet for the rest of this date to spare yourself another hour of her rambling on about Vlad. Yeah, she’s calling him Vlad now, and it’s not just the expensive wine talking. That’s her heart telling you the truth.
She won’t accept that Putin had anything to do with influencing the outcome of our last Presidential Election. Once she tells you that the American intelligence agencies got it all wrong, and she can’t see any reason why it would be Russia that hacked the election, you know she’s crushing really bad.
Don’t even try to argue with her. It’s only going to upset her and make her order another bottle of that wine you really can’t afford because you aren’t a billionaire world leader, and making the mortgage payment can be a struggle some months on your salary.
If she wants to ignore all the facts our intelligent agencies have compiled, she is so deep under Putin’s influence that she’d probably believe him if he said that Donald Trump was our country’s greatest President.
If she is crazy enough to invite Putin to come to America, the safest place for you to be is as far away from her as possible.
Plus, if Putin actually accepts her invitation, he probably wouldn’t take too kindly to some random dude hanging around the women who is so head over heels for him.
In conclusion, if your date exhibits just one of these signs, she almost certainly has a crush on Vladimir Putin. If not that, then your date is Donald Trump.
Either way, you’re in a bad situation and need to walk away without giving any thought to a second date. Regardless of how great your companion tells you the date is going.
Hope this helps. Good luck out there on the dating scene…