The Devil’s Alaskan Adventure

Alaska, The Devil, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“Guess who’s back?” The Devil asked excitedly as he strode confidently across the living room.  “I brought wings!”

As always, he was well dressed in an impeccably tailored suit.  In each hand, he held a platter overflowing with his famous Hellfire Wings.

“Where have you been?” I asked with a hint of annoyance in my voice as my stomach grumbled at the smell of the wings.

“I have been on a much needed vacation,” Lucifer explained with a smile.  “Took a cruise to Alaska.”

He placed the wings on the living room table.  Then he snapped his fingers, which made a case of Snapple appear on top of the cooler.

“Vacation?” I asked dubiously.  “I thought you were too busy to ever take off for any extended period of time.  And why Alaska?”

The Prince of Darkness sat down on what he liked to think of as his end of the couch.

Alaska, The Devil, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“Have you ever been to Alaska?” he asked like I was the one in this room who was off his rocker.  “It’s one of the most beautiful places on Earth.  Plus, with the conditions in Hell, I like to spend time in colder locales.  Why do you think I hang out in Maine?”

“To drive me insane,” I quipped.  “I thought that much was obvious.”

I grabbed a wing and devoured it in one gulp.  Then quickly took another.

“As for my decision to finally take a vacation,” Satan continued, “I realized that with the current state of your country, there was no need for me to work so hard.  America is going to Hell.  Quite literally.  We have the Republicans to thank for that.”

“We don’t call them the Grand Old Party for nothing,” I chimed in as I shoved another Hellfire Wing into my face hole.

My guest flashed a devilish grin.

“I used to break my back trying to recruit souls,” The Devil informed me.  “And all the things I had to promise in return.  It was ridiculous.  Now, I just let Trump and his cronies do the work for me.  Let them spread the hatred, the bigotry, the close-minded ugliness that sends souls directly to my doorstep at no cost to me.”

“It has been a rough couple of weeks for the United States,” I agreed as I snatched a Snapple and then downed half the bottle in one swig.

Lucifer was kind enough to hand me a handkerchief, and then motion that I had Hellfire Sauce all over my face.

I nodded my thanks and did my best to clean an area that was only going to get dirty again because I intended to eat a ridiculous amount of wings.

Alaska, The Devil, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“You’ve had Trump on his usual rampages,” The Prince of Darkness stated.  “Then there’s Omarosa with her book and secret tapes, Bob Woodward’s book, Stormy Daniels with her book…if nothing else, President Trump is really promoting writing in America.  Then there’s this nonsense with Brett Kavanaugh and his nomination.”

“You went away to Alaska, and the country slipped even further down the slope towards the fiery depths of Hell,” I observed.  “It’s almost as if having you around kept the Republicans in check, but once you were gone, they didn’t have to hide their horns and pitchforks anymore.”

“I always assumed Trump was trying to hide a set of horns under that awkward rug he wears,” Satan chuckled.  “As long as he understands that my pitchfork is the biggest.  And from what I recently read in Stormy’s book, it’s not even close.”

I laughed so hard that I actually spit Hellfire Wing bits across the room.

“So you are okay with the Republicans doing the legwork for you?” I queried as I hurried to clean up the mess before the sauce burned a hole through my hardwood floor.

“Most definitely,” The Devil confirmed.  “I’ve been at this for centuries, and I could use a little me time.  And to think, I had absolutely nothing to do with Trump’s winning the election.  Had I known his victory would make my life easier, I might’s saved the Russians the trouble and rigged it myself.”

Alaska, The Devil, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“But you let Putin have his fun,” I reminded him.  “I’m sure it’s good for your brand to keep all the evil heads of state happy.”

“That’s a good point,” Lucifer agreed.  “Vlad can get very moody, and the last thing I need is for him to decide to become a good guy or step down because he’s not having enough fun over on his side of the world.”

I just nodded and kept eating.  I was sad at the state of the world, and my country’s part in it, but there was nothing I could do about it.  At least not now.

So why not just stuff my face with the greatest chicken wings in the world, and maybe say an extra prayer tonight that the midterm elections will begin to make it all better…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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