Giant Turkey Caravan Headed For US Border

I don’t want to be a fear monger, Modern Philosophers, but I need to warn you that there is another huge caravan headed towards the U.S. border.

This one, however, is heading north through Maine on its way to Canada.

And this caravan is not made up of migrants fleeing persecution, criminals fleeing prosecution, or terrorists looking to enter the country without detection.

In fact, there are no humans at all in this caravan.

It’s made up entirely of turkeys.

Thousands of them.

The caravan crossed into Maine yesterday, and is making a bee line for the border with Canada.  When asked about the parade of northbound turkeys, Maine Governor Paul LePage stated: “As long as they aren’t hurting anyone, I could care less.  My term is almost over, and I don’t need the headache.”

Maine State Police and the Maine Warden Service have been monitoring the caravan’s progress, and report no incidents in which Maine residents were harmed.

“I don’t know what’s going on in the mind of a turkey,” Game Warden Ian Robichaud told this Modern Philosopher, “but common sense tells me those birds want to get the hell out of the country before Thanksgiving.”

Friday’s snowstorm left road conditions in Maine as less than favorable, but the caravan doesn’t seem to mind.

“I don’t think a little snow and slush is gonna slow ’em down,” Robichaud observed with a chuckle.  “Considering the alternative and all…”

Warden Robichaud might not know how to think like a turkey, but someone much higher up in the train of command certainly does.

“This caravan is a threat to national security,” President Trump shouted at anyone within earshot.  “Those turkeys think they can flee the country and ruin a great tradition, but we can’t let that happen.  I’m sending troops to the border to make sure that the caravan does not make it into Canada.  If Canada wants to start The War on Thanksgiving, then America is certainly going to end it.  Quickly.”

“This caravan is made up of thousands of undocumented birds,” Trump continued to yammer.  “White meat and dark meat.  Sure, some of the turkeys are probably good turkeys, but we all know that any turkey that tries to deny an honest American, and by that I mean anyone born in this country, to parents who were also born in this country, and registered with the Republican Party, his Constitutional right to a Thanksgiving feast, is a bad turkey in my book.  And since I’m the President, my book is the only book that counts.”

Trump was not done.  “Canada wants to welcome the caravan with open arms, but what else would you expect?  Canadians have nothing better to do than to hug trees, pass out free healthcare, and constantly apologize to each other.  Why do they even celebrate Thanksgiving before we do?  America invented Thanksgiving.  It’s our holiday, but they stole it, by sneaking it across the border, just like they want to do with these turkeys.  Our turkeys.  And why?  They’re not going to eat them.  They’ll probably teach them to play hockey and be fake news spreading liberals who steal American holidays!”

Canadian government officials chuckled softly and then politely apologized for not wanting to comment for this post.

Meanwhile, the caravan marches on.  My sources in the White House tell me that several members of President Trump’s staff are considering putting on turkey costumes and joining the caravan so that they can flee the country.

No sign of troops scurrying to the border yet, but that might be because they’re all too busy protecting us from the other caravan…