Rescuers Call Off Search For Missing Thanksgiving Leftovers

Sunday, Day 4

I can’t believe this is happening!  I’ve searched everywhere, but they’re gone.  Completely vanished.  As if they weren’t even here in the first place!

I’ve torn apart the refrigerator.  I didn’t even know the thing had a salad crisper! 

I’ve tossed containers out onto the kitchen floor.  And yet, they are nowhere to be found.  Wasn’t it just yesterday that this fridge was packed with turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce???  And the pie.  That sweet, innocent apple pie.  What monster could have done this? Who took them from me?  What is going on???

The struggle is real, Modern Philosophers.

Across America, people are discovering that their Thanksgiving leftovers have gone missing.  The story is pretty much the same all over the country, and rescue teams have been hard at work trying to find the missing items.

“The first twenty-four hours are the most crucial,” Lt. Jean DuBeque of the Bangor Search and Rescue Team explained.  “Food isn’t going to last that long outside of a fridge, regardless how cold it is outside.  Plus, well, the honest truth that is if someone has taken your leftovers, odds are they didn’t do so because they wanted to just keep them around to take up space in their fridge…”

Her solemn expression told me all I needed to know about the missing food’s likely fate.

A recent survey conducted by the Department Utilizing Statistics and Tables (DUST) revealed that 73% of Americans said their favorite part of Thanksgiving was “Getting to eat the leftovers all weekend”.

For the record, the second most popular answer, with 17% of the vote, was “When my family finally leaves”.

That should explain why Americans are in such a panic today as they stare at the empty shelves of their refrigerators.

Rescuers finally decided to call off their searches because common sense dictates that by the Sunday after Thanksgiving, those missing leftovers are either in your belly, or in the belly of a guest who slipped into the kitchen while you weren’t looking.

Don’t worry, though, Modern Philosophers.  Christmas is only a month away, and there should be plenty of leftovers after that meal.  Even more so, if you don’t invite your annoying family members over for dinner…