A friend and I were talking about acceptable stocking stuffers, and she suggested those oddly shaped red and white sticks that magically appear this time of year.
Not in my stocking, thank you.
I’ve just never understood the appeal of candy canes.
They taste like the hard candy an octogenarian digs out of the very bottom of her purse, and then forces you to “enjoy” even though the “treat” tastes like it’s been sitting around since long before the person who gave it to you was ever born.
It looks like Waldo’s sweater and a piece of medical equipment were fused together in an experiment gone horribly wrong.
I’d hate to think that a veteran of that horrible conflict was hobbling around the icy streets of the North Pole because I was selfish enough to eat his cane.
That’s no way to support the troops.
If you want to stuff my stocking with candy, please step away from the peppermint hooks and head straight for anything chocolate.
I don’t even care what shape the chocolate is in, just so long as it is in my stocking with an eventual destination of my tummy.
Chocolate knows it is a delicious treat, and doesn’t try to be something else.
I mean, you wouldn’t eat an ornament off your Christmas tree, would you?
For ages, candy canes have doubled as Christmas ornaments. What’s the deal with that? Why do they feel the need to work two jobs?
Either you’re a stocking stuffer, or you’re an ornament.
It’s not like people normally eat things they find hanging off trees. How insane would that be?
Maybe there’s a deeper reason I’m so anti-candy cane. I had a troubled childhood, so I wouldn’t doubt there are repressed memories about the candy that looks like it wants to hook itself around my neck and strangle me.
So if you’re planning on stuffing my stocking this year, think chocolate, not peppermint. Better yet, focus on chocolate and peanut butter.
That will earn you a permanent place on my Nice List. Space is limited so act now!
Do you like candy canes? What are your favorite stocking stuffers?