What’s The Deal With Candy Canes?

Christmas, candy canes, humor, Modern PhilosopherSeriously, though, Modern Philosophers, what’s the deal with candy canes?

A friend and I were talking about acceptable stocking stuffers, and she suggested those oddly shaped red and white sticks that magically appear this time of year.

Not in my stocking, thank you.

I’ve just never understood the appeal of candy canes.

They taste like the hard candy an octogenarian digs out of the very bottom of her purse, and then forces you to “enjoy” even though the “treat” tastes like it’s been sitting around since long before the person who gave it to you was ever born.

It looks like Waldo’s sweater and a piece of medical equipment were fused together in an experiment gone horribly wrong.

wooden soldiers, Christmas, candy canes, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’ve always assumed that candy canes were issued as walking sticks to wooden soldiers injured in the War on Christmas.

I’d hate to think that a veteran of that horrible conflict was hobbling around the icy streets of the North Pole because I was selfish enough to eat his cane.

That’s no way to support the troops.

If you want to stuff my stocking with candy, please step away from the peppermint hooks and head straight for anything chocolate.

I don’t even care what shape the chocolate is in, just so long as it is in my stocking with an eventual destination of my tummy.

Chocolate knows it is a delicious treat, and doesn’t try to be something else.

I mean, you wouldn’t eat an ornament off your Christmas tree, would you?

For ages, candy canes have doubled as Christmas ornaments.  What’s the deal with that?  Why do they feel the need to work two jobs?

Either you’re a stocking stuffer, or you’re an ornament.

Christmas, candy canes, humor, Modern PhilosopherPick a career and stay with it!

It’s not like people normally eat things they find hanging off trees.  How insane would that be?

Maybe there’s a deeper reason I’m so anti-candy cane.  I had a troubled childhood, so I wouldn’t doubt there are repressed memories about the candy that looks like it wants to hook itself around my neck and strangle me.

So if you’re planning on stuffing my stocking this year, think chocolate, not peppermint.  Better yet, focus on chocolate and peanut butter.

That will earn you a permanent place on my Nice List.  Space is limited so act now!

Do you like candy canes?  What are your favorite stocking stuffers?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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24 Responses to What’s The Deal With Candy Canes?

  1. cbiz50 says:

    Awful inventions…a terrible stocking stuffer…they are visually pleasing…best left for viewing only

  2. Ashana M says:

    You can send yours to me…I really miss them.

  3. ksbeth says:

    i do like them, but much prefer chocolate

  4. markbialczak says:

    No candy canes for me, either, Austin. Sugar-free chocolate is the way I get stuffed.

  5. cat9984 says:

    Reese’s trees and bells it is.

  6. The Hook says:

    My German grandmother used to give us giant German chocolate bars in our stockings.
    There isn’t much I miss about my childhood but that chocolate went down smooth.

  7. I love candy canes in fact I hang them on my Christmas tree ever year , now I’m not saying they survive the entire Christmas season but they are nice to look at when my family and I can keep them on the tree that is! Favorite stocking stuff would have to be the peppermint kisses yummy !!!!!!!

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