Thousands, perhaps even millions of people not originally on the list might have been added had the hack been successful say sources close to the investigation.
According to Lazlo, Head Elf at Santa’s IT Department, there was no breach of the North Pole’s computer system.
“The IT Department sees you when you’re sleeping, and knows when you’re awake,” Lazlo explained via Skype. “If anyone had tried to break into Santa’s server, we would know. They can try all they want, but it’s just never going to happen. Not on my watch!”
For the record, the punishment for hacking is much more substantial than a few lumps of coal in your stocking. It puts you on the Naughty List for life, and could include banishment to the Island of Misfit Toys, or years of hard labor in the toy factory.
So why would the Russians try to hack Santa Claus’ Naughty List? Did they get bored because there were no American elections with which to interfere?
For the answer to that question, I want straight to the top.
“Vladimir Putin would want to hack my Naughty List for two reasons,” Santa Claus told me with a grim look on his usually jolly face. “First, to remove his name. I don’t see the point, though, because the mere act of doing so would put his name right back on it. Plus, he can’t seem to go an entire day without doing something naughty.”
Not so jolly old St. Nick shook his head in disappointment like a proud father who has finally given up on a mischievous son.
“Secondly, he’d order the hack for revenge,” Santa continued. “Vlad’s upset because I’ve already told him he can’t have what he wants for Christmas, and as a result, he doesn’t want anyone else to get their Christmas wishes granted this year.”
And what’s the gift that Putin covets so badly that he’s willing to hack into the North Pole’s database and piss off Santa Claus?
“He wants Ukraine, and that’s simply not possible,” the big guy replied.
“The Naughty and Nice Lists are protected by Christmas Magic,” he told me as the twinkle returned to his eyes. “Not even the best hackers in the world could break through those firewalls.”
Maybe if we’re good, Santa will let us borrow some Christmas Magic every Election Day to make sure things turn out the way the voters intended…