According to a typo-riddled tweet sent in the wee hours of the morning, Trump’s new Chief of Staff will be Washington newcomer Burgermeister Meisterburger.
Best known for arresting Kris Kringle and banning toys from an Eastern European town during the Cold War, Meisterburger has no experience with American politics.
He also has not been seen in public for over forty years.
So why did Trump appoint this outsider to a key position in his inner circle, and basically make him the boss of the White House?
It couldn’t possibly be because his name reminds the President of one of his favorite foods, right? I mean that would be crazy even for Donald Trump.
“Burgermeister has a proven track record as an old school, tough as nails disciplinarian, and that’s what this White House needs,” Trump explained.
“I’m going to be honest. Everyone said John Kelly was a hard ass, that he’d bring his military mindset to the West Wing, and whip everyone into shape. But he didn’t do that. People said John Kelly was hard. I disagree. He was soft. Almost flaccid.”
“I was told that I was hiring a decorated general,” Trump continued, “but John Kelly refused to wear his uniform to work. Not once would be put it on and give me a one man military parade. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. But what do I know? I’m just a very successful businessman, who knows a thing or two about making an impression.”
“You know what Burgermeister promised?” Trump asked no one in particular. “He said he’d wear his old uniform and all the shiny medals from back in the days when he was so hard ass that he made children cry on Christmas and put Santa Claus in jail. You put Santa Claus in jail, then you’re the man to run this White House.”
When asked if Meisterburger would have to drop the title of “Burgermeister” since it is not one recognized by the American military, the President appeared confused.
“You mean that’s not his first name?” he asked reporters.
Of course, the White House Press Corps had so many questions, but the President just seemed intent on discussing only the facts that interested him.
“I mean, who else would have the courage to lock up Santa Claus? Maybe I’ll have him do that again if Santa refuses to relocate his toy factory to the United States. His elves are stealing jobs from American workers. That’s got to change. No more cheap labor from illegals willing to do whatever it takes to create their crooked and perverted version of the American Dream!”
It sounds like a strange hire to me, but maybe Trump wants a ball breaker like Burgermeister Meisterburger around to prepare key members of his staff for some hard times ahead once the Mueller Report is released…