Today, Trump again put his intelligence on display by blaming Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats for the polar vortex that has plunged our nation into the next Ice Age.
“The polar vortex is only here because the Democrats won’t give me the money I need to build a border wall,” Trump told reporters as if the statement made perfect sense. “Everyone knows the polar vortex is just a caravan of cold weather that has illegally entered the United States from Mexico.”
When someone tried to explain to the President that cold weather normally comes down from Canada and other points further north, Trump quickly cut off the explanation.
“Look, weather isn’t that difficult to understand. If it was, would we let a groundhog do it like we are today?” Trump demanded.
“Don’t get me wrong. I love groundhogs. Amazing little animals. Look at the one that worked with Bill Murray. If Bill Murray is okay with groundhogs then I am, too. Because the man is a genius about any number of subjects.”
“For example, I learned pretty much everything I know about how our military works by watching Stripes,” Trump admitted. “If our country was ever overrun by ghosts, I’d definitely watch Ghostbusters again. The original, though. Not the lame version with the women.”
So what did that rambling tangent about Bill Murray have to do with the polar vortex, Mexico, and the border wall?
“I was proving my point that all cold weather comes into this country illegally from Mexico,” Trump stated. “That’s why Mexico is always so hot, while our country and Canada are cold. If we had a border wall, we could keep the cold weather in Mexico where it belongs, and I’d be able to play golf on the White House lawn twelve months a year. Of course, the Canadians would probably have to give up hockey, but maybe that will force them to work a little and build some character.”
“It’s obvious that Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the Democrats want everyone in this country to freeze to death, but I will not allow that!” Trump roared until his face almost turned from orange to red.
“Walls work,” he continued. “Are you cold right now? Have you ever gotten frostbite, or been snowed on while you were inside a building? Of course not. That’s because buildings have walls. Usually at least four. Sometimes more. Sometimes they are made of gold if you’re lucky enough to live in Trump Tower. My point is, it’s the walls that keep out the bad weather. Put a wall along our southern border, and the groundhog will never again need to tell us if we’re having six more weeks of winter because winter won’t be able to get into the country!”
Trump made it clear that 5.7 billion dollars was a small price to pay to never again have to shovel snow or have schools closed due to inclement weather.
Then he went on to state that it was obvious the Democrats wanted Americans to suffer though horrific winters because it made them more dependent on politicians for survival.
When asked to comment on Trump’s statements, Nancy Pelosi was incredibly brief.
“Please don’t waste my time with another of the President’s genius theories,” Pelosi asked with a forced smile. “I am too busy trying to save this country from the clutches of a madman who puts his need to keep a ridiculous campaign promise before the needs of the people.”
“She said my theories were genius?” Trump asked with a beaming smile when told of Pelosi’s comments. “Maybe Nancy isn’t as dense as I thought she was. It gives me hope that she’ll come around about the wall…”