Wait. Let me clarify that. Dating is difficult for me. Everyone I know is either married or in a relationship, so I appear to be the only one struggling with the concept of dating. Imagine that!
I’d love to meet someone special while just out in the world going about my business, but I’m beginning to think that’s never going to happen. Mostly because I try to avoid going out into the world since it’s a dreadful and frightening place.
I’d also be cool with someone I trust setting me up, but it seems like all my coupled up friends only have coupled up friends.
Aside from me, their token single friend.
This being the case, I decided to try my hand at an online dating app.
I’ve deduced that the keys to online dating are a decent photo and being able to break the ice in such a way that the other party replies to that first exploratory message you send to a total stranger with your fingers crossed and hopes high.
I’m thinking I’m not good at breaking the ice because of the sound of crickets in my inbox.
After all, he trained a screw up like Daniel to be a karate champion!
Thinking along the same lines of “Wax on, wax off” and “Paint the fence”, I assumed that Mr. Miyagi, in his infinite wisdom, would instruct me to “Break the ice”.
And that is exactly what I did. Yesterday morning, I stepped out into my driveway armed only with an ice chipper. My mission was to break and clear all the ice, which coated every inch of the blacktop and was thick enough for skating.
I took the task seriously because I really want to improve my ice breaking skills so I could finally find my special someone.
I was out there for over two hours. My FitBit claims my training lasted 126 minutes, and that I burned 1169 calories.
Have you ever chopped ice for two hours? It’s exhausting. You get blisters on your hands even if you wear gloves. You’re sliding all over the place because the ground beneath you is a sheet of ice. You sweat so much that the perspiration slides off you and onto the ground, where it freezes and creates more work.
Clearly, I was dedicated to the task at hand. I’m sure Mr. Miyagi would have been proud.
Later that evening, after finally regaining feeling in my hands and feet, I decided to give my new ice breaking skills a try.
Is it possible to train too well?
I ask because I soon received a reply wondering if I was willing to meet for “a discrete hookup”. Now I’m not the “meet up with a total stranger to get gruesomely murdered in some remote location” type, but I did want to keep testing my ice breaking skills.
So I asked this person to tell me a little something about her.
She replied, and I’m not joking: “44D, 5′. What else do you want to know?”
I confided this encounter to a close friend, who after she’d stopped laughing, asked me how I’d replied. I confessed that I’d thrown my phone into the fridge just because I was so freaked out and didn’t know what to do.
The phone is still in there. I think I might need to just buy a new one now and never look at my current phone again.
I wonder what Mr. Miyagi would advise me to do. This kind of seems like a “sweep the leg” type of situation, but I don’t think I’m that kind of guy…
Have you ever had any strange experiences with online dating? Do you have any good ice breakers I could try? Do you have any cool single female friends you might want me to meet?