Sure, we’ve been divorced for fifteen years, and I haven’t seen her for almost as long, but that doesn’t prevent her from haunting my dreams.
And last night, I didn’t have just one horrible nightmare about her.
I had two!
The one silver lining of this night of horrors was that I didn’t have the worst of my recurring ex-wife nightmares. That’s the one where I wake up to find her standing at the foot of my bed, holding a giant knife as she watches me sleep.
That one gives me insomnia for days.
Last night’s midnight madness of the mind was the more frequent story. I come home, realize she has left me, and desperately try to win her back while wondering how in the world I’m ever going to survive without her.
If I get divorced in my dreams, I end up heart broken and alone in real life.
It’s very unsettling.
I have no idea why I still dream about her. As I mentioned earlier, I haven’t seen her or spoken to her in ages. She’s not on my mind. Down deep, I don’t secretly pine for her.
Sure, writing this TV series might have something to do with her appearance in my nightmares. There is a character based on her, and the story of the early days of our relationship is an important plot point, but the story really is an ensemble piece, and the tale of how we came to be us is not at all the main focus.
When I’m trying to fall asleep at night, I might plot out upcoming scenes in my head, but I make it a point not to think about her character. I don’t want to grant her easy access to my subconscious right before I fall asleep. That would be madness!
And what’s the deal with the double feature of divorced themed dreams?
That has never happened before last night. Usually, I wake up so freaked out from my nightmares about her that I don’t sleep well the rest of the night. Any other dreams are afraid to form in my head because the characters are afraid they will run into my ex.
Just typing that sentence sent goose bumps sprinting up and down my body.
I’ll never sleep tonight…
These nightmares seem to preempt my regularly scheduled dream programming after I’ve had a particularly stressful day.
Sometimes, such days will inspire the dream about showing up for a big test having not studied for it, or the one where I’m lost on the subway.
Mostly, however, it’s the ghost in the white dress who haunts my dreams and busts my balls. I might have gotten away from her in real life, but she still always gets the final word in my nightmares…
Do you have recurring nightmares? Do you dream about people you haven’t seen or thought about in ages? How long can I survive without sleep?