Pentagon Seeking To Weaponize Barbecue Smoke

politics, humor, barbecue, Modern PhilosopherThe Fourth of July is just around the corner, Modern Philosophers, and that means all across this great country, people are firing up their barbecues.

The familiar smell of barbecue smoke is in the air, and the Pentagon would like to use this All-American aroma to its advantage.

At a press briefing held earlier today, General Rowdy Bellinger announced the Pentagon’s plans to weaponize barbecue smoke.

“People have a Pavlovian response to barbecue smoke,” Bellinger explained.  “When they smell barbecue, they lose all focus.  Their mouths water and their bellies rumble.  They become almost zombie-like in nature, and care about only one thing: finding the source of that delicious scent.”

Bottom line, according to Bellinger, is that people who pick up the scent stop doing whatever it is they’re doing, and head out in search of freshly grilled burgers, hot dogs, ribs, and chicken.

“In other words,” the General made quite clear, “they drop their weapons, stop shooting at us, and are no longer a threat.”

The plan would be to drop bombs, which would release barbecue smoke, on the enemy and render them helpless.

barbecue, humor, war, politics, Modern Philosopher“War is hell,” Bellinger reminded everyone solemnly.  “So why not try something to lower the body count, and beat our enemy into submission in a less lethal, more civilized manner?  If this works, we can have our troops home, barbecuing with friends and family, much earlier than expected.”

According to a Pentagon spokesperson, the idea for barbecue smoke bombs came from a very unlikely source: President Trump.

“The President was eating his second afternoon snack of barbecue chicken, and the idea just came to him,” the spokesperson explained.  “Ironically, during his first afternoon snack of tacos, he decided that the border wall needed to be even higher and longer.”

As far a Trump ideas go, this one isn’t actually half bad.  Of course, that means, at best, it’s only half good.  However, that’s a major triumph for the guy.

Shortly after the press briefing, the President tweeted:

BBQ smoke bombs are a brilliant idea (it was mine!) that will change the way war is waged. Nobel Peace Prize coming? No idea is more All-American. MAGA can stand for Make America Grill Again! #grillmaster #smellyoulater

No word yet on when the bombs will be manufactured, but Trump did add on Twitter:

Trump, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherAmericans can help make BBQ smoke bombs in their backyards. Creating more jobs as promised. No President has done more for America, the economy, or BBQ than me. #bombsaway #yourewelcome

So this Fourth of July, when you are grilling for your friends and family, keep in mind that you could also be grilling for the troops.

Harness that smoke from your grill, put it in a canister with a tight lid, and store it some place safe until President Trump sends someone to collect it.

I bet those hot dogs and hamburgers will taste even more delicious now that you know their preparation helped make the world a safer place.

God Bless America.  God Bless our barbecues!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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2 Responses to Pentagon Seeking To Weaponize Barbecue Smoke

  1. Reading your post just reminded me of how much I miss barbecues. Our local government has made them all-but illegal here . (they don’t like the smoke). We’re now forced to use propane barbies or worse still, electric ones because our “modern ” population are so concerned about the environment , they forgot how to enjoy themselves.Could someone please send a couple of those smoke bombs over here to Australia so we may remind the public of how great the smell of wood smoke is?

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