The Sock Loss Fiasco

socks, humor, stress, Modern PhilosopherI made a major change in my life recently, Modern Philosophers.

I bought a new dryer.

I know.  That is a huge step, and while it has been difficult to process, I think I can finally bring myself to blog about it.

Taking such a huge financial plunge has been stressful, but I kept telling myself that having dry clothes would be a major positive, which would eventually offset all the anxious moments brought about by this level of investment.

Boy, was I wrong.

Just this weekend, I almost lost my $%^&, and I totally blame the dryer.

After all, which household appliance other than the microwave causes so much mischief?

Let me set the scene.  It’s Saturday.  An extremely warm weekend.  I’m doing the laundry.  The sheets are in this load, and I’m counting on the new dryer to have everything ready for folding in record time.

With the old dryer, it took forever to dry the sheets.  Clearly, a sign that the thing was on its last legs, but I probably just ignored it because I didn’t want to have to think about shelling out the money for a new one.

I fold the other laundry, and leave the bedding for last since sheets are a nuisance.

stress, laundry, humor, Modern PhilosopherAs I’m doing battle with the fitted sheet, desperately trying to form it into something that resembles a neat rectangle, a single sock falls from inside it and onto the floor.

No! No! No!

I’ve already folded my socks, and every one had a partner.  How the hell can a stray be mocking me from the bedroom floor?

Let me point out here that I’d just bought a ten pack of socks two weeks ago.  They were so new that they were still blinding white.  How could I have lost one already?

Unacceptable!  Unacceptable!

I crawled under the bed to see if I’d somehow kicked its partner under there while folding the rest of my clothes.

I examined the empty laundry basket like a seasoned CSI.

Then I went to the hamper to see if I’d left the missing sock behind, and the poor thing had never even made it to the washing machine.


No sign of my single sock’s better half.

I wasn’t about to cut off a foot, and turn my collection of nine and a half pairs of new socks into nineteen sets of socks.  That would be insane.

search party, life, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo I ran down to the basement, and decided to get some answers from the expensive piece of machinery that has a reputation for eating socks.

If it wasn’t in the dryer, I was going to call in a search party.  For some reason, I refused to accept that a new sock had simply vanished without a trace.  Maybe it was the extreme heat.  Perhaps it was the long week that had put me in a miserable mood.  Whatever the hell it was, I was not handling this sock loss well at all.

It doesn’t take very long to search a dryer.  I mean, you just open the door and look.

Guess what?

The sock was not there.  What had the dryer done with it?

I was so tempted to kick the dryer, maybe punch it a little, and see if that inspired it to give up the location of the missing piece of my wardrobe.

humor, stress, life, Modern PhilosopherBut I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  The damn thing had cost too much, and damaging it would lead to expenses above and beyond the cost of a single sock.

That didn’t mean I had to be okay with the infernal machine stealing my property, however.

Ever since it forced its way into my life, it has turned everything upside down.  My bank account was going to take a long time to recover from its sudden appearance in my basement.  I was going to be a wreck of worry that it was going to break every time I dared ask it to perform its simple, once a week duties.

Damn dryer has been nothing but trouble.  Why did my old one have to break?  Why did I have to be so dependent on expensive technology to provide that dry clothes look that is so popular in today’s society?

Oh, by the way, I found the missing sock.  I’d left it in the washing machine…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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18 Responses to The Sock Loss Fiasco

  1. bzerob says:

    Gee! As we all know that this is a factor of quantum physics. The “missing” socks are really not missing at all. They are transformed by all the factors of a modern dryer, centrifugal movement. long term heat in a closed metal container. They are transformed into hangers! Everybody knows that! You’re welcome!

  2. markbialczak says:

    Yeah, the old pressed to the side of the washer tub solution. Been there, Austin.

  3. grannyK says:

    hahahaha! Loved that ending!

  4. Lori says:

    My husband has dismantled many a washer and dryer. He has yet to find one sock or any article of clothing. What does he always find? Coins. Lots of coins.

  5. I find missing socks on the floor behind the washer. I have to fish them out with a yardstick. I guess I dump the laundry basket into its open maw without enough finesse.
    I lose about two socks a year. I leave the lone sock on the closet shelf for a while, waiting to see if its mate reappears. Months later, another stray sock appears, and the two don’t match at all.
    Sometimes a sock will fall out of a nightgown my wife hasn’t worn in a while. For that reason I save strays, waiting to see if a miracle will happen.

  6. jilldennison says:

    At least it was only a sock. I lose whole shirts! Glad you found it!

  7. AAristizabal says:

    Loved the suspense story; the character arc and the unexpected ended. Hope the sock gets dry soon!

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