He Shall Wear A Crown Of Ice

Heat Miser, humor, heat wave, Modern PhilosopherI’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but Heat Miser has been making a real nuisance of himself this weekend, Modern Philosophers.

Usually, it’s Snow Miser causing my life to be miserable, but he has apparently tagged in the evil red headed stepchild to continue our ongoing steel cage death match.

It doesn’t often get hot enough in Maine to melt my flesh like I was a Nazi daring to gaze upon the Ark of the Covenant, but this has been one such weekend.

I’ve tried to hide inside The House on the Hill to avoid the heatwave, but Heat Miser is too powerful to be stopped by modern technology or old windows and insulation.  I’m writing this post topless from my couch, just to give you some idea of how warm it is.

No, you cannot sit next to me and stare upon my shirtless chest.  If I did that for you, I’d have to allow all the Modern Philosophers to do so.  I don’t have the room, or the patience, to accommodate that many people!

I didn’t want to miss my morning runs because of the Wrath of Heat Miser, so I took some precautions to ensure I would not melt into a puddle of sweat along my route.

The first step was to get up early, so I could complete my run before the temperature rose to its highest point.

Then I moved my runs to the River Walk, so I would (hopefully) have a nice breeze blowing off the river to keep me cooler than I already am.

running, fitness, health, numor, Modern PhilosopherFinally, I busted out an old school weapon in the battle against Heat Miser: My Crown of Ice.

Legend has it that he who wears the Crown of Ice shall be impervious to every weapon in Heat Miser’s arsenal.

Now I’m not sure if that’s just an old wives’ tale, or actual magic passed down from generations of Defense Against the Dark Arts classes at Hogwarts, but I know that when I wear my Ice Crown, I feel much more powerful against the heat.

You probably won’t be able to get your hands on a genuine Ice Crown unless you have connections within Maine’s Otherworldly Being community, but I can help you make a reliable substitute.  Just keep in mind, however, that I take absolutely no responsibility if your DIY Crown of Ice doesn’t work, and you become a bubbling puddle of sweat.

It’s really pretty simple.  Take a baseball cap, soak it with water, and put it in the freezer.  Once the cap freezes, take it out, put it on, and go for a run.  It will keep you cool as it slowly melts over the course of your run.

In very rare instances, you might contract frost bite on your skull from this lazy man’s substitute, but again, I absolve myself of any responsibility or liability should that occur.

running, health, fitness, humor, Modern PhilosopherDespite Heat Miser’s best efforts, I survived both my runs this weekend.  I don’t think I’ve sweat that much on a run in quite some time, but I made it back to The House on the Hill alive.

No doubt, due in large part to my Crown of Ice.

So if you do decide to be active during this ridiculous heatwave, be smart.  Be safe.  Stay hydrated.  And wear your Ice Crown.

You’ll be grateful that you did, and maybe Heat Miser will take the hint and decide to go back into hiding…

How are you dealing with the heat?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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11 Responses to He Shall Wear A Crown Of Ice

  1. Calu says:

    Great idea💡! I suspect a good absorbable sweatband would help keep water out of the eyes💦👀👍 Keep cool; it’s actually hotter up there than in Miami today😎🌴🌞

  2. lydiaschoch says:

    That baseball cap idea is a good one!

    I’ve been eating tons of cold food: hummus, fruit salad, hard-boiled eggs, etc. Somehow it doesn’t feel as hot if nearly all of my meals are cold ones.

    I’m thinking about adding ice cream to the list soon as well if we get more days above 40C ( 104F for all of the Americans out there).

    • Austin says:

      The frozen hat does come in handy. Sounds like a good menu of foods. I did something similar this week, in planning meals that would not require the use of the oven…

  3. ksbeth says:

    sounds like a great idea, you should market it –

  4. markbialczak says:

    How did you know if it was sweat or the melting Crown of Ice, Austin?
    I’m glad you did not totally melt away this weekend.
    I mostly chose to visit places with good AC, and stay inside the living room watching sports on TV. I ventured out in our backyard once for a dip in the pool, which was as warm as bath water. And I decided to skip the lawn mowing until a cooler evening after work this week.

  5. AAristizabal says:

    Great to see you have resources to fight against the Heat Miser! …and, trust me, you have not run in the tropic…

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