Today, I had an unexpected visitor at The House on the Hill, who wanted to tell me his Thanksgiving story. I’m not often I’m surprised when I open my door, but I never expect to see a Sasquatch towering over me on my front porch.
After all, the Sasquatch is one of the most highly protected Otherworldly Beings in Maine. They confine themselves to the safety of the North Woods, where they can live in relative obscurity because Mainers know to avoid the area, and horrifying rumors are spread to prevent tourists from visiting that portion of the state.
Before you ask, I did not take a photo of my visitor. It is against the law to photograph a Sasquatch in Maine without its permission, and my guest was very particular.
“No offense, Austin, but if I’m ever going to allow myself to be photographed, it’s going to be by a professional photographer, in a studio, with perfect lighting, and an expensive camera,” he explained apologetically. “I know you went to Film school, but the picture quality on a cell phone doesn’t improve just because the person taking it has a BFA.”
Trust me, no offense was taken.
My guest introduced himself as Sid, and asked if we could talk out on the porch because he was afraid he’d shed all over my floors if he entered the house.
Sid explained that he sought me ought for this conversation because I have an excellent reputation for telling the story of Maine’s Otherworldly Beings. The mere fact that he was able to leave the North Woods and trek down to The House on the Hill was the main reason he decided to visit.
“For so long, Maine’s Sasquatch population has lived in obscurity in the North Woods,” Sid told me with a sad shake of his hairy head. “We don’t want to be weirdo, introverted loners, but people have made that a necessity. How would you feel if people followed you everywhere, tried to take your photo constantly, and attempted to capture you to bring you in for scientific analysis and experimentation?”
I had to agree that I would not be a fan of that lifestyle.
“Our brethren in the Pacific Northwest, Asia, and Europe have it a lot worse than we do,” Sid admitted. “Maine has given us a great place to live, assured us our privacy, and has run a great disinformation campaign to keep most of the looky loos out of our hair.”
So why risk it all by coming out of hiding to talk to me?
“First off, a change of scenery is always nice,” Sid replied as he struggled to get comfortable in a chair designed for puny, less hairy humans. “More importantly, though, for the first time in a long time, I felt safe. With all the conspiracy theorists in the country so focused on Trump’s impeachment hearings, there’s no one lurking just outside the woods trying to take my photo, or kidnap me to whisk me off for testing.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Sid chuckled, “but thank heavens for Donald Trump!”
Nothing can prepare you for the sound of uncontrolled Sasquatch laughter, Modern Philosophers. My ears wanted to bleed, my head was set to explode, my skin crawled, and every window on The House on the Hill rattled. There is still a slight ringing in my ears, and I’m not sure the headache will ever dissipate.
“It’s true,” Sid insisted when he saw the look of doubt on my face. “The people who are obsessed with finding proof of me and my kind, are the same ones obsessed with either proving that the Democrats are trying to frame Trump, or that Trump is in bed with the Russians and trying to destroy America.”
“This is the first time I’ve been out of those woods in almost eight years,” Sid informed me. “I’m thankful for the chance to take in the world around me, and see how much it’s changed since I was last able to roam the streets. I have to admit, though, not much has changed, but I guess that’s the beauty of Maine.”
So does this mean that we should expect many more Sasquatch sightings in Maine over the Holiday Season?
“I doubt it,” my guest answered with a shake of his hairy head. “The public will lose its interest in the impeachment soon enough, and then all those conspiracy folks will be back at it, looking to bag Big Foot.”
Does even this little amount of freedom mean that America’s Sasquatch population will back Trump in 2020?
My reply was a Sasquatch laugh so loud and long that I’ll need to replace three windows as soon as I’m done with this post.
Happy Thanksgiving from Maine’s Sasquatch Community. They’d be super grateful if you’d turn your attention to the Loch Ness Monster for a while…