Jokes Not Ready For Late Night (Holiday Edition)

Christmas, The Nite Show, monologue jokes, humor, Modern PhilosopherChristmas is almost here, Modern Philosophers!  Holiday specials are showing up on every channel, and last night, The Nite Show with Danny Cashman aired its Christmas episode.

I write monologue jokes for the show, and every taping, I turn in dozens, but there’s only a limited amount of space on the cue cards.

As a result, many of my jokes never know what it’s like to be delivered by Danny, and then laughed at by a live studio audience.

Since Christmas is a time of giving, I thought I’d give some of my rejected jokes their moment in the spotlight.  Do you mind if I share a few that didn’t make it onto the air?

Here are a few holiday themed jokes not quite ready for late night…

Christmas, The Nite Show, monologue jokes, humor, Modern PhilosopherI don’t think it’s a stretch to say it’s been a rough year for President Trump, but now that Christmas is fast approaching, there is a bit of good news for the beleaguered President. He made a campaign promise to re-invigorate the coal industry, and recent reports show that coal sales are at record highs.  Turns out Santa Claus needed more coal than usual this year to fill the stockings of Trump and his cronies…

Anyone else buy an official White House Advent calendar?  There’s a big picture of the White House on the front, and each day of Advent, you open a little door to reveal a prize.  The only difference is that instead of finding a piece of candy, you discover a new indictment against President Trump or one of his associates…

American Movie Classics will be airing “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” several times this month.  Is it just me, or is AMC playing it fast and loose with the term “classic”? Don’t get me wrong, “Christmas Vacation” is a great holiday flick, but it’s no Christmas classic like “Die Hard”…

Christmas, The Nite Show, monologue jokes, humor, Modern PhilosopherBecause Thanksgiving fell so late this year, the amount of time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is the shortest it will ever be.  That barely gives your racist, drunk uncle enough time to sober up and come up with new offensive things to say at Christmas dinner…

“A Charlie Brown Christmas” airs on Thursday.  I don’t know about you, but I’m really hoping Santa Claus finally brings that poor kid a full head of hair this year…

NBC aired “A Trolls Holiday” earlier tonight.  It’s about complete strangers who harass you, and make fun or everything you post on social media.  But with a holiday theme…

Disney’s “Shrek The Halls” airs this week on ABC.  You know it can’t be any good, though, because if it was, they would have saved it for Disney+

Hanukkah starts tomorrow and last for eight nights.  Intriguing Hanukkah Fact: The holiday last longer than any relationship I had in high school…

Christmas, The Nite Show, monologue jokes, humor, Modern Philosopher“The Ultimate Hanukkah Challenge” aired aired earlier tonight on the Food Network.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I always thought the ultimate Hanukkah challenge was putting up with your family for eight crazy nights…

Christmas is Wednesday, and if that’s news to you, I REALLY hope you’re not my Secret Santa…

Thank you for letting me grant the Christmas wish of these rejected monologue jokes by finally allowing them to find an audience.  I hope they made you chuckle, or maybe even shook your belly like a bowl full of jelly.

And then you read me type, as I posted this blog, Merry Christmas to all, enjoy your Yule log…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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6 Responses to Jokes Not Ready For Late Night (Holiday Edition)

  1. markbialczak says:

    Good job, Austin. And Merry Christmas to you from my dear wife Karen and I.

  2. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    I MISS THIS ERUDITE CITIZEN OF THE NORTH COUNTRY!

  3. Renchick says:

    Man, I sure have missed this blog! Thanks for making me laugh 🙂

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