I am thrilled to announce, Modern Philosophers, that I have accepted Queen Elizabeth’s invitation to fill one of the vacancies in the Royal Family.
While I’m sorry to see Harry and Meghan leave for greener pastures in Canada, I am excited about starting on a new adventure.
Sure, nitpickers might point out that I’m not actually a blood member of the Royal Family. I would counter with the fact that Prince Harry was a blood member, and look where that got the poor Queen and the citizens of England.
After a long conversation, I was able to sell Her Majesty on the idea that the Royal Family has been rotten with nepotism for centuries. It was time to expand the business to someone not in the immediate family.
Don’t get me wrong, I do have English blood in my veins. I prefer to brag about being Irish, but I’ve also got English and German ancestry. That German blood would explain why every once in a while, I get a sudden urge to take over the world.
I’ve long felt that I was destined for something more than my life at The House on the Hill. Sure, I love shoveling snow, battling Snow Miser, and struggling to make it as a writer, but I have long been ready for a new challenge.
I will be serving in the capacity of Her Majesty’s Modern Philosopher. Someone’s got to get the Deep Thoughts flowing in Buckingham Palace again. The hope is that with me around, inspiring everyone to think more, things like Brexit or family members wanting to flee for North America won’t happen as often and catch people so off guard.
My official title, which I had to play hardball with the Queen to get, will be Duke of Hogwarts. Yes, Modern Philosophers, I get to live in the castle where young wizards learn how to protect the world with magic.
I will also be an honorary member of the Hogwarts faculty, receive my own wand, and get primo tickets for Quidditch matches.
I will probably be too busy with my official duties to continue the blog, but I will do my best to pop in with updates from time to time. I won’t have interns anymore, but I think I will have a staff of ladies in waiting, so maybe they can take over the blog.
Sure, I was worried about having to learn how to drive on the wrong side of the road, but the Queen explained that I’ll never have to get beyond the wheel. I will be too much of a big shot to perform such a mundane task.
I promised I’d do my best to find soccer tolerable, as long as the Queen was willing to pick up the tab for the MLB Extra Innings Package, so I can watch every Yankees game on the other side of the pond.
No word yet on if I’ll be able to meet Doctor Who, but that is on the list of duties the Queen promised to discuss with me once I’ve settled into my new position.
If I do get the side gig as Her Majesty’s Liaison to the Doctor, I’m going to insist on a trip in the TARDIS so I can go back to a point in time when I can meet Amy Pond. Preferably before she marries Rory, so I can win her heart and make her the Duchess of Hogwarts. We can give England a fairy tale wedding that will make them forget all about Harry and Meghan.
I’ve got a lot of packing to do, so this might be my last post for a while. I will try to post something once I’ve arrived at Hogwarts, but like I mentioned earlier, I cannot promise that I’ll be able to blog on a regular basis.
I’m very excited about the chance to meet all my British Blogger Buds. Hope you guys can make some time to visit me at my Castle on the Hill.
Cheerio for now, mates!
Congratulations! Oh, Jolly good. Chip, chip cheerio.
It really is smashing news. Bangers and mash and whatnot…
I”m sorry to find flaws, Austin, but the royal family is awfully, ah, traditionalist, aren’t they? I’m just thinking you might not be permitted much modern in your modern philosophying in London. Are you sure you want the gig, given they might not have told you everything in the interview?
Congratulations. Have you already been practicing your ribbon cutting?
I bow to your new title, Austin.
Do you like how I negotiated the MLB package so I can still watch the Yankees in England? 🙂
You are a true man of words, new Palace-dweller.
I wish you the very best on your new endeavour, Sir! Now that I am addressing the Duke of Hogwarts himself, I strongly suggest you take your ladies-in-waiting into a serious introduction to Modern Philosophy, so they can keep up with your deep thoughts!
Thank you ever so much! I look forward to helping the Empire rise again. 🙂
God save the Queen!