No Suits For You!

fashion, introverts, humor, Modern PhilosopherA friend recently asked if I had a suit for an upcoming function, Modern Philosophers.

First off, I told her, I don’t do functions.

I’m a devout Introvert, and I take the Commandments quite seriously…

Thou shalt not go out in public.

Thou shalt not socialize.

Thou shalt not put yourself in danger of having to speak to a group of people with no clear cut way of how to escape this nightmare scenario.

The list goes on, but I’ve already said too much.  After all, the first rule of Introvert Club is:

Never talk about Introvert Club because someone might ask you questions about it, want to join, and you will be forced to socialize!

Don’t judge me.  I was born this way.  Well, maybe that’s not true.  I haven’t thought about it in a while, but I’m fairly certain that if I weren’t born an introvert, then I chose to become one very early on in life out of necessity.

The necessity to avoid people because they annoy me and make life difficult.

fashion, introverts, humor, Modern PhilosopherBack to this friend, and her ridiculous question.  Secondly, I continued, I don’t own a suit.  Have you ever seen me in one, other than a sweatsuit?

The last time I remember wearing a suit was on my wedding day, and look at what happened after that bold fashion choice.

The suit is the prison garb of the middle class!

I came up with that line in my early twenties, and used it in a screenplay called Modern Philosophers.  Did you have any idea that the name of this blog came from an old screenplay that I not only never sold, but also turned into a zine?

And when I wrote that screenplay and published the zine, know what I never wore?

You got it.  A suit.

I was backstage at The Nite Show on Wednesday night, and I had to go into Danny’s dressing room to ask him a question.  I saw his suits hanging on the rack and actually cringed.  It’s a reflex reaction at this point, but I also have a theory that I might be allergic.

So now the Modern Philosopher in me just churned out this Deep Thought:

Do I avoid fancy functions because I’m an introvert, or because I don’t want to have to put on a suit in order to meet the dress code?

I don’t think it’s a chicken or the egg scenario.  I believe the answer is both.

I recently declined an invite to the Bangor Chamber of Commerce Awards dinner, where The Nite Show received a big honor.  Both factors played into that decision.

fashion, introverts, humor, Modern PhilosopherIn case you’re wondering, I look damn good in a suit.

As the photo on the left proves, I clean up nice.  But it wasn’t my choice to put on the suit that day.

That’s my First Holy Communion, and God is a black tie kind of host when He throws a party.

I’ve received all the sacraments I plan to get, so I won’t be putting on a suit and heading into a church anytime soon.  In fact, the next time I do so, I’ll probably be in a coffin, which means I will not have any say in my choice of wardrobe.

To my friend, who asked if I had a suit for the upcoming function, here’s my answer in about six hundred words.  Sorry I walked away without answering you.  I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I had an Introverts Anonymous Meeting that I needed to avoid attending at the very moment you asked.

Hope you have a good time, though.  Post some pics on social media, and maybe I’ll check them out.  But I probably won’t.  That’s not the Introvert’s Way…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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19 Responses to No Suits For You!

  1. Mary-Anne says:

    I don’t think you have to wear a suit anymore, not even to a formal function. How do you manage the people on the nights you shoot with Danny?

  2. Amen about being an introvert. My name is JR and I’m an introvert/blogaholic. You may not like wearing suits, but nevertheless, you looked handsome in your First Holy Communion suit. Nice touch with the carnation in the lapel.

  3. I am baffled, yet greatly entertained, by your dislike of suits. 😊 Such a strong bias against a specific outfit choice, though I don’t often wear suits that are designed for women. I agree with the line that they are a prison for the middle class. What are they for the wealthy? Evidence of a golden ticket, perhaps? How about the poor? Also a golden ticket…? Either way, I enjoyed thinking about this. 💕

  4. beth says:

    maybe it’s not the suit, because even if you had one, you probably would not want to go. what about a middle ground – go but where something you’re comfortable in, stay for just a while, and slip out with an Irish goodbye? or buy a suit and wear it around the house and to the grocery? I think if you choose it and are not ordered to wear it, it might be kind of fun?

  5. markbialczak says:

    You can always rent a tux for a night, Austin. Hey, how’d you get this new job without wearing a suit for an interview, by the way?

  6. grannyK says:

    I have never liked to dress up! I don’t even own a dress and haven’t for decades. I am a jeans and sweats type of person.

  7. AAristizabal says:

    Hey Austin, lookin’ hot in that ol’ suit of yours! I know wearing one can be tedius, my friend: my brother has told me so enough times, you can be sure of it; but keep one nearby, nevertheless: life is a function, and you never know when is your time to be at stage center. Best!

  8. Suit yourself Austin. Wear whatever suits your needs. Avoid lawsuits by avoiding human contact.

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