Sure, the social distancing is right up my quirky introvert alley, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely.
I do have some emotions like a normal human being. Not many, but my programming does allow for some of the negative ones.
I suffered a horrible loss this week as my kitty Cassie crossed over the rainbow bridge. Her passing came as a shock, and probably hit me even harder than it would have because of all the bottled up stress and anxiety.
I cried for a very long time, and maybe it helped my overall mental health to have that kind of breakdown and unleash some emotion.
I don’t want to gloss over Cassie’s death, but I just can’t bring myself to write any more about it. Just doing this much has caused me to cry again, and I’m really trying to be strong for her sisters who are confused by her absence.
I might be (not so slowly) cracking up, I’m feeling perfectly fine physically. Yes, I’m worried about catching the virus, especially since I work in healthcare, but I do take serious precautions at work. I don’t mind being in the office, in fact, I want to be there.
It is a much needed distraction at a time when my mind is racing too quickly to process so many anxious, negative, frightening, and stressful thoughts. Being able to focus on the task at hand has kept my brain from melting, or just shutting down altogether.
I’m a problem solver and there are lots of problems that need to be solved. It makes the day pass quickly, and also helps me to feel like a useful part of society.
Of course, I’m very worried that we will be closed down and sent home. While that is most likely the safest scenario to keep me from being infected, stress levels go through the roof when I think about life without a steady paycheck. I’m losing sleep over that possibility, and when I’m sleepy, my mind is more open to suggestion from the side of my brain that secretes stress into my system.
I would love to work from home, which would give me the best of two worlds, but that option has not been offered. How are the rest of you handling work closures? I honestly think I would just sit here and worry about money, try to eat as little as possible so my food supplies last, and quickly go mad.
So to stave off the inevitable financial freakout, I’ve upped my running game. Not only is it an excellent distraction (I tweeted the morning after I lost Cassie that it’s almost impossible to cry when you’re running), but it also makes me feel like I’m doing something proactive to fight off COVID 19.
The logic is sound. If my body is healthier, it is more likely and better prepared to stave off an invasion from the virus.
DO NOT try to convince me otherwise.
That’s what’s keeping me going. So I’m keeping up my regular running schedule and pushing myself to go longer and faster.
And for those of you worried that I’m opening myself up to exposure by being outside, let me assure you that my neighborhood has become a ghost town. There’s no one outside. Very few cars. It’s eerily silent.
As someone who grew up in the bustling borough of Brooklyn, all this quiet is a bit unnerving. My neighbor knocked on the door last night, and it startled the $%^& out of me. I think I had actually convinced myself I was the only one still on the block.
It’s nice to know the other houses are still occupied. It would be too creepy for my overactive mind to know that I was the only one left in the neighborhood. I’d never be able to sleep, and if I did, I’m sure the nightmares would be so horrifying that I’d never want to sleep again.
That’s why I need my runs. I need to feel alive. To know I’m not just sitting home waiting for the virus to come for me. Every time I push myself a little harder, a little further, I’m telling myself that I’m increasing my chances of beating this damn virus.
Running definitely beats sitting home and watching the news. MSNBC actually has a constantly updating graphic on the screen of how many people have been infected and have died.
In the meantime, I’m going to keep running. Stay safe, Modern Philosophers!
What are you doing to keep yourself sane during this insane time?