What’s The Deal With The Easter Bunny?

Easter is tomorrow, Modern Philosophers, and the holiday has brought up some burning questions that have always gnawed at me.  Since I have an unusual amount of time on my hands due to the COVID 19 pandemic, I decided to launch an investigation to find some answers.

After all, social distancing rules do not prevent me from doing a deep dive into the mysterious past of someone who’s about to hop into our lives again.

I’m finally going to tackle that age old burning Philosophical question: What’s the deal with the Easter Bunny?

As it turns out, the Easter Bunny has done an excellent job of covering his tracks on the internet.  It’s almost as if he has no past.  Other than a few picture of the Easter Bunny hanging out in a field with a bunch of Easter eggs and candy, or posing with confused children, there’s not much photographic evidence of him, either.

Normally, I might just give up at this point.  Clearly, he’s either a deep operative for some country’s intelligence agency, or he doesn’t want anyone to know about his past.  But seeing as how I’m trapped inside by the Coronavirus, continuing to dig sounds like a decent way to pass the time.

And since I can’t use the internet to dig up dirt, I decided to go straight to the source.  Below is a copy of the letter I recently sent to the Easter Bunny demanding answers:

Dear Easter Bunny,

I’m not sure if this letter will even get to you, given the current state of the Post Office during this pandemic, and the fact that you have done an excellent job of concealing your home address from the public.

Also, there’s the issue that you might not be able to read.  Can you?  I’m sorry if that implies that I think you’re uneducated.  It’s just that you are a bunny, and animals don’t usually know how to read.

I know this is your busy time of year, but Santa Claus takes letters during his busy period, so I thought maybe you worked under the same rules.  Then again, you’ve never encouraged kids to write to you, which further fuels my theory that you can’t read.

Sorry to be so blunt, but let me get right to the point: What’s your deal?

I’ve already alluded to Santa Claus, another holiday related mythical being.  We know everything there is to know about St. Nick, but you remain a mystery.  There are no origin story Easter specials to educate us, hardly any songs about you or your holiday, you make very few public appearances, and you never have a giant float at the end of a big parade to get kids excited about your arrival.

While it’s probably unfair to compare you to Santa Claus, you don’t leave us much choice.  You are more an Easter Enigma than anything else, and that’s confusing at a time when public figures try to be as transparent as possible, especially when we are supposed to be cool with your sneaking into the rooms of our sleeping children.

Are you really just a rabbit, or are you a human who operates in a bunny costume to hide his identity?  If you are a rabbit, how did you get to be so freakishly large?  Or are you just normal size, but depicted as being super sized because that better explains how you are able to travel the world in one night to deliver all those Easter Baskets?

Why did you decide to tackle Easter of all holidays?  Is it a religious thing for you?  Do you like that Easter is the one holiday where the religious aspect remains more important than the commercial side?  Everyone loves Santa, but he does seem a bit narcissistic in that he loves to have the spotlight on him, rather than on the Birthday Boy.

Are you still coming this year?  The world needs you now more than ever as we try to adapt to life in the Age of COVID 19.  You’re not subject to social distancing rules, right?  There’s no Stay at Home order for you, is there?

If you are coming, do you think you could make some changes to the Easter baskets this year?  Candy is still great.  Everyone needs candy at a time like this.  But could you add more critical items like toilet paper, masks, gloves, sanitary wipes, and maybe even some cash?  A lot of us are out of work right now, so money would really help.

A Coronavirus vaccine would be the ultimate gift, of course, but I’d hate to put that much pressure on you.  After all, you might just be a rabbit on steroids who can’t read.  But on the off chance that you are also a brilliant infectious disease expert, I had to ask.

Also, we had a huge snowstorm in Maine the other night, and so many people are still without power.  Could you conjure up a little Easter magic to rectify that?

On a lighter note, I’ve always wondered what you thought about that scenw in Mallrats where Jay and Silent Bob beat the crap out of the mall Easter Bunny.

I’m assuming that was an actor in a costume, and not really you.  What did you think of his portrayal?  Would you have fought back in the same situation?

Lastly, what’s your favorite color?

Thank you in advance for answering my questions.   I hope you are well.  Good luck hopping down the Bunny Trail this year!

Sincerely

Austin

What do you think is the deal with the Easter Bunny?  Are there any questions I forgot to ask?  Do you think he’ll deliver baskets this year?