Send In All The Clones

Star Wars, clones, humor, science, Modern PhilosopherI’ve never been delusional enough, Modern Philosophers, to believe that the world was clamoring for multiple versions of me.

One Austin might actually be too many in the opinion of some, but I’m certain no one wants that number increased.

This week, however, I got to thinking that it would be nice to be able to clone myself to help me with some of my responsibilities.  It got to the point that I even posted on Facebook that I was considering halting work on my time machine to focus all my efforts on figuring out how to clone myself.

You know it’s serious if I’m willing to put time travel on the back burner.

Of course, Facebook flagged my comment as a lie and removed it.  Apparently, even Mark Zuckerberg knows how serious I am about developing a time machine.

The fact remains, though, that it would be very good for my mental well being to have a few clones on standby at The House on the Hill to be dispersed as needed.

I finally returned to my regular job last week, and here’s a statistic that might surprise you: When eleven weeks worth of work piles up during a pandemic, it’s going to take a lot of time, chocolate, and Snapple to catch up on that work.

I know, that one’s hard to fathom, but I can tell you with complete certainty that it is true.

Speaking of work, this is the sign I’ve posted on my office door:

The Mandalorian, mask up, humor, Modern PhilosopherNo life form shall see my full face ever again when I’m out in public.  And I don’t want to see yours, so mask up.  This is the way!

Obviously, I’d make sure all my clones wore masks whenever I sent them out into the world to help me with whatever tasks had my stress levels skyrocketing at the time.

There is one job I’d never send a clone to do, and that’s my morning run.  After all, that’s the activity that’s keeping me healthy and making me feel like I have a fighting chance during such challenge times.

It’s been sweltering in Maine the last few days, a clear indication that Snow Miser has finally abdicated his throne to his slightly less annoying brother for a few months.

I headed out early for this morning’s run, hoping to beat Heat Miser to the punch and get in my miles before the heat and humidity made me momentarily lose my mind and wish it were Winter again.

I succeeded in accumulating my miles, but failed miserably at beating the elements.  When I returned to The House on the Hill, I was a sweaty mess.  I almost wished I had a clone to do the run for me, but I never think clearly after my body has lost so much fluid.

Luckily, my neighbor chose that moment to water her plants.  I asked her if she’d be turning on the sprinkler to water her lawn any time soon.  Seeing how sweaty I was, and most likely desiring to get away from the stench, she ran inside to turn on the water.

running, health, fitness, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat’s a photo of me after I ran through the sprinkler several times.

Yes, it felt incredible.  Yes, I remembered to take my phone out of my pocket and leave it on the porch before I let the soothing waters wash over me.

As much as I would like to have an army of clones to help me battle life’s current demands, this mad dash through the sprinklers was a task that could only be handled by the true original.

It reminded me that even when life hands you eleven weeks worth of lemons, it’s still incredibly satisfying to turn it all into lemonade and then run through it as it’s shot at me from a sprinkler.

Yes, Modern Philosophers, I am a very complex individual, who might never be understood by the world around me.  Perhaps that is the best argument against my cloning myself.  The world’s already been through enough hardships in 2020…

If you could clone yourself, what tasks would you most want to assign to the clones?  How much would you be willing to donate to my research to make cloning possible?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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6 Responses to Send In All The Clones

  1. beth says:

    I love your door sign )

  2. markbialczak says:

    Yes, Austin, the Heat Miser is visiting Central New York as well. I mowed our lawn yesterday morning and then took a shower for relief. But a quick nail-grooming session afterward turned the personal faucet on all over again. Yikes.

  3. Your post brought to mind one of my all time favorite comedies, Multiplicity released in 1996, about a man who clones himself to be more productive, save his marriage, and then almost loses his wife to himself.

    Be careful if you clone yourself too many times, you may end up with a clone #3 like in the movie. Although, he’s my favorite clone.

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