How To Date Someone Who Won’t Wear A Mask

dating tips, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’ve been getting a ridiculous amount of emails asking (demanding!) that I write a new Dating Tips post, Modern Philosophers.

To be honest, I was confused by the requests.  Wouldn’t it be irresponsible of me to encourage people to date during a pandemic?  Aren’t we supposed to be social distancing to stop the spread of COVID-19?

Then it was pointed out to me that people are doing a lot of things they shouldn’t be doing right now, so I could at least offer some advice to keep them safe (safer? safe-ish???) while they engage in high risk activities that could be spreading the virus and putting us all in danger.

Let me be clear: I’d prefer you to stay home, respect social distancing rules, and stay safe.  But if you’re going to do whatever you want, here’s some advice on how to date someone who won’t wear a mask…

dating tips, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherWait for the pandemic to end before you date. Okay, I lied.  I still think it’s a bad idea to be out there dating when the Coronavirus is only getting stronger.

If she’s not going to wear a mask, that should be a serious red flag for you.

It means she is self-centered, close-minded, high maintenance, and lacks common sense.  Seriously, though, how difficult is it to put on a mask?  If you’re still smitten, then you’ll feel that way once the pandemic ends.  After all, President Trump and his cronies keep saying it’s safe to go outside and re-open the economy, so you probably won’t have to wait that long…

Come up with a cure for the Coronavirus.  Oh boy.  It looks like Trump and his sycophants might have been wrong about the virus being over.  There has been a huge spike in cases in states that have relaxed their stay at home orders.  I bet a lot of those people who took advantage of that went on dates, and now they’re infected.

You still want to date?  Then come up with a vaccine.  How hard could it be?  Trump has been touting all manners of cure alls for the virus like anti-malaria drugs, bleach, and high doses of light.  Who’s to say one of your random ideas won’t be the winner?

dating tips, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherDo the long distance thing.  If she doesn’t want to wear a mask, then you need to keep at least 6 feet away.  I’d recommend 6 blocks or 6 miles just to be safe.

Why do you even need to be face to face at all?  The world seems to be existing perfectly fine right now via Zoom.

Kids are going to school on Zoom, people are working and having meetings on Zoom, and my favorite late night talk shows are being done from home while using Zoom to interview guests who are in their homes.

Long distance relationships were a thing way before COVID 19, so just keep doing it.  She can tell you all about why she doesn’t need to wear a mask, and why you’re a sheep for wearing one, from the safety of her side of the app.

Buy her some cool masks.  Maybe she’s not wearing a mask to test you.  She wants to see if you’ll buy her some really cute ones to prove that you are sweet and have taste.

dating tips, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherAsk her to move in with you.  Why waste precious dating time arguing over wearing a mask?  These are challenging times, and the last thing you want is to waste any of it.

If you lived together, the mask things wouldn’t be an issue.  It’s not like married couples wear masks when they’re together.

If you’re thinking about seeing her even though she could be jeopardizing your life by not wearing a mask, it sounds like you’re crazy enough to take this giant relationship leap.  Just go for it!  After all, the way things are going, the virus might wipe out the entire human race before Election Day can change anything.

dating tips, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherMove to a really remote part of the planet.  If she doesn’t want to wear a mask, and you still want to date her, move someplace seriously remote to take as many risk factors as possible out of the equation.

If you move to the middle of nowhere, and I’m talking someplace where it will take months for them to find your body after you die, there won’t be anyone else around to infect her, and she won’t be able to pass along that infection to you.

I’m sure all the wild animals who will stalk your every move as you flounder to survive in the wilderness won’t care that she’s not wearing a mask.  They’re just thinking about how yummy she’ll taste.

Show interest in her friend who wears a mask.  Jealousy almost always works, and if it doesn’t, ask out the mask wearing friend instead.

I hope these tips come in handy.  I still think you should hold off on dating until the scientists have given us the all clear, but then again, an attitude like that probably explains why I’m single…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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7 Responses to How To Date Someone Who Won’t Wear A Mask

  1. eurobrat says:

    Tips for dating someone who won’t wear a mask? Don’t.

  2. beth says:

    i agree with eurobrat. or come up with the cure

  3. markbialczak says:

    You’ve got it covered, Austin.

  4. Pingback: The week gone by — July 5 – A Silly Place

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