I’ve been having trouble sleeping again, Modern Philosophers. Some of it has to do with the weather, the stress brought about by the pandemic and turmoil in our country, and a fear that things might only get worse after Election Day.
But I’m putting a lot of the blame on the return of my recurring nightmare. This is the dream that I cannot shake after fifteen years, and it just keeps returning far too often albeit in a slightly different form.
As always, it was about J announcing that she was leaving me, and my predictable reaction of total panic as I desperately try to win her back.
Again, I will remind you that I’ve been divorced for over fifteen years. It’s been so long that I don’t even remember the exact year it happened. I never see my ex-wife, we never talk, and I in no way pine for her or wish to reconcile.
For some reason, however, I keep having nightmares about her.
This time, I was in an airport in Chicago. We’d just gotten off a plane, and I couldn’t find J anywhere. My jacket and luggage were also nowhere to be found. I ran through the airport searching for her, but to no avail.
When I finally thought to call her, I got a voicemail that announced she was leaving me, she would be staying with her mother in Chicago, and I needed to figure out how to get back to New York. In addition, she had my jacket and luggage, so if I wanted them, I’d have to drive to her mother’s to get them.
Of course, my reaction was to totally freak out. I didn’t want my marriage to end, I was lost without J, and I had no idea how to get to New York on my own. Even though I was in an airport, it never occurred to me to book a flight home. My only option seemed to be to drive, and there was no way I could drive from Chicago to New York given all my anxiety related to driving.
I’ve mentioned some variation of this nightmare several times previously on the blog. I don’t understand why I dream about someone who is never on my mind, but can only guess that my subconscious is telling me it’s my fault I’m alone.
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about The Girl Who Went Away. Now she is someone I miss, wish I could get back in my life, and consider “The One Who Got Away”.
So why the Hell don’t I dream about her?
She should be in my residual thoughts when I drift off to Dreamland. That relationship’s failure continues to gnaw at me all these years later.
I’d welcome being haunted by the brown eyed brunette with the adorable dimple, but instead, my personal Freddy Krueger is an angry blue eyed blonde, who keeps coming up with new ways to abandon me and make me feel like I can’t live without her.
Even though I’ve proven I can.
When I woke up from my recent nightmare, my heart was beating so hard. I had the hardest time falling back asleep because I was afraid of drifting back to that airport, where I’d still be trying to figure out how to win back J and get to New York.
I’ve considered hanging a dreamcatcher over my bed to prevent the dream, but I’m terrified that I’ll wake up one morning to find J tangled in it.
I’d really like for this nightmare to end. Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I try to track down J and have some sort of conversation in hopes of getting closure? Or maybe ask her if she could remove the curse she clearly put on me when we got divorced?
It would be really nice to sleep again, so I’m open to any ideas…