In a move that not even the dead people who voted for Joe Biden in Pennsylvania saw coming, President Trump has literally changed the electoral map.
In a hastily called new conference in the Rose Garden, where both masks and common sense were clearly optional, Trump made the following announcement:
“It is with great pleasure that I, as the one and only rightful President of the United States, declare there are now five new states in our country, which I fully intend to make great again over the next four years.”
“Those states are East Dakota and West Dakota, MAGA California, Bigger and Better Texas, and The Deep South. I am also thrilled to announce that the Electoral Votes for all five states have been awarded to me.”
“The Dakotas each have 25 votes. They’re just Dakotas, so they don’t get as many votes. You get it, right? The other three, though, have 50 Electoral Votes each. That gives me way more than Sleepy Joe, which means I won the election, just like I said I did on Election Night.”
After pausing to soak up the thunderous applause from his maskless cult followers, and then to hug each of the American flags on the stage behind him, Trump continued.
“This give me the most Electoral Votes of any President in the history of the United States,” he boasted. “When you add all the Electoral Votes that Sleepy Joe and the Democrats stole from me, the total is more than even Lincoln ever imagined possible.”
“It also means that I am now Presidenting over fifty-five states. That’s a new record for any President. The highest total ever in American history. So suck it, Obama!”
Trump would not give any details as to where these new states would be located (I was so sure he would show a current map of the US with the new states drawn in with a Sharpie!), or how they could have Electoral Votes if they didn’t exist to hold elections on Election Day. Mere details like that have never really concerned this President.
“All you need to know is that every vote cast in those states was for me,” Trump assured the crowd, which included a stunned press corps. “Because only Republicans are allowed to live in the five new states. They are exclusive Trump properties, so they are for members only, with all the amenities. The best golf courses in the country. And top of the line Trump hotels.”
When pressed by the press for details, Trump made his followers chant “Fake news!” and “Lock them up!” until it pleased him.
Then he added this rich detail: “Rudy Giuliani is the Governor of all five new states. Other state officials will be announced once Fox News officially declares me the winner of the election. Some of those officials will likely be members of my family.”
The news conference ended abruptly so that medical personnel could tend to attendees who were succumbing to the Coronavirus as they chanted their beloved leader’s name.