Trump Adds 1700 Days to December to Delay Inauguration

I’m no legal expert, Modern Philosophers, but I’m pretty sure that Trump’s legal team is getting desperate in their attempts to overturn the results of the 2020 Presidential Election.

Not only have they been unable to prove that the dead rose from their graves to vote for Joe Biden, but they have also failed to gain any sort of traction in any of their multitude of lawsuits regarding the election.

Today, we have learned that President Trump has finally emerged from his basement bunker, replaced his ratty bathrobe and pajamas with a suit, and agreed to sit down with CNN’s Kristine Conrad to discuss his latest strategy to ensure that he remains in the White House for another four years.

We were able to get our hands on the transcript of that interview to give you this exclusive preview of what the outgoing President is set to announce to the world:

KRISTINE CONRAD: It’s been almost three weeks since Election Day, Mr. President.  Are you finally going to conceded defeat and congratulate President Elect Biden on his victory?

DONALD TRUMP: Of course not.  How can I concede something that never happened?  The election was rigged, which is the only way the worst candidate in the history of candidates could ever “win” the election.  Make sure you get a close up of me doing air quotes around the word win.

KC: But you have yet to prove any sort of voter fraud, and your lawsuits have yielded  nothing in your favor.  Isn’t it time, for the good of the nation, to accept the inevitable?

DT: I don’t know what inevitable means.  Sounds like a fake word made up by the Fake News to try to make me look bad.

KC: Joe Biden has 5.6 million more votes than you, and more importantly, 306 Electoral Votes.  He won the election.  When are you going to accept that so that the transition can begin?

DT: The only result I will accept it the true one.  I won.  I am the chosen one by the American people.  End of story.

KC: Again, I have to point out that Joe Biden won 306 Electoral Votes.  That’s a clear majority, which makes him the winner.  The Constitution states that the winner of the election becomes President on January 20.

DT: Again with the Constitution.  Everyone is always talking about that.

KC: With good reason, Mr. President.  You can drag out your legal challenges, which lately seem more like a series of angry tweets rather than any logical legal arguments, but on January 20, Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States.

DT: Then I’m going to make news right now, Kristine.  I’m going to give you an exclusive.  You know what that is, right?  I’m going to give you the greatest ratings of all time, and make you famous.  Not as famous as me, but famous.

KC: What news is that, sir?

DT: I hereby issue an Executive Order adding 1,700 days to December.

KC: I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think you can do that.  I also don’t understand the significance of the number.

DT: First off, I can do anything I want.  I’m a celebrity and the one and only President of the United States.  Second, don’t they teach you anything in Fake News School?  1,700 is the number of days in four years.  Sleepy Joe and the Democrats can try to steal the election from me, but I’m getting four more years in the White House.

KC: So much to unpack here, but I feel like I really need to first point out that 1,700 days is not the length of four years.

DT: Nice try.  I knew you’d try to trip me up, but I’m smarter than I look.  There are 400 days in a year, so you expected me to say… (long pause)… there are 1,600 days in four years.  But I remembered there’s a leap year in there, so I added the 100 days for that.

KC: I’m not sure what to say…

DT: As soon as this interview is over, I’m going to sign that Executive Order.  Sleepy Joe can have his Inauguration Day on January 20 like the Constitution says, but first MAGA Nation is going to celebrate the greatest New Year’s Eve ever on January 1,731st!

CNN plans to run the interview in its entirety this evening.