“I’ll Be Home For Christmas” will have the number one spot on the CDC jukebox.
Dr. Anthony Fauci explained: “It’s a Christmas classic. I remember singing it around the house growing up, and I think it’s the perfect song for 2020 because it evokes a message of hope during challenging times.”
Of course, this being the Season of Social Distancing, Dr Fauci had to clear up some confusion about the song’s lyrics.
“Now it’s been brought to my attention that our selection of this particular song implies that the CDC is saying it is okay to go home and have a huge Christmas celebration,” Fauci stated with a heavy sigh. “That is not at all true. We ask that everyone continues to practice social distancing and wear a mask whenever out in public.”
“Listen to the whole song,” Fauci advised. “The singer says that no matter what the circumstances, even something like an international pandemic, he can always be home for Christmas, if only in his dreams.”
“Let me be extremely literal, folks. We want you to stay home. Practice social distancing. We don’t want you to actually go home for a large, super spreading family Christmas gathering. Just go there in your mind, your heart, your dreams. Stay home and be safe. Please tell me you understand!”
Moments after the announcement was made, dozens of protestors materialized outside of CDC headquarters sporting MAGA hats and signs that had classic messages like “Fauci is the Grinch Who Suffocated Christmas!” and “CDC = Can’t Destroy Christmas”.
Of course, President Trump could not be left out of the melee. He immediately took to Twitter with such tweets as:
Ebenezer Fauci and the Corrupt CDC are trying to steal this Christmas from us, even though we clearly won it by a lot.
We demand a recount on official Holiday song. Our watchers were not allowed in the room for the tabulations. So much corruption. #KRISTMASKRAKENRELEASED
Rudy Giuliani was immediately dispatched to the North Pole to demand that Santa Claus overturn the CDC’s decision.