The Curious Snowman

Christmas, short story, humor, Modern PhilosopherTwo snowmen stood in the middle of a field.

Don’t worry, they were more than six feet apart, and doing their best to maintain strict social distancing.

“Do you ever wonder if Santa Claus has a Santa Claus?” the one on the left asked.

There were no humans in the field, so the fact that the snowmen could talk would remain their little secret.

Unless, of course, the birds and squirrels learned to talk, too, and decided to blab.

“What are you talking about?” replied the one on the right, who definitely had a put out tone to his response.

“Santa Claus delivers presents to the people on his Nice List every year, but is there someone who fills that same role for him?” the one on the left clarified.

“If I could rolls my eyes, I would, but they’re just pieces of coal,” the one on the right grumbled.  “And they’re not even put on straight, but that’s an entirely different issue.  Why do you even care?”

“About your crooked charcoal eyes?” the one on the left asked.

Christmas, short story, humor, Modern PhilosopherThe snowman on the right growled.  “There’s so much open field and an abundance of snow.  Why the hell did they have to build me within earshot of you?”

“Maybe they didn’t want you to get lonely,” the one on the left answered without hesitation.

“Or maybe they were a couple of sick and twisted kids who wanted to torture me,” the  snowman on the right grumbled.  “I bet they’re on your buddy’s Naughty List.”

“Santa’s not my buddy,” the one on the left corrected his colleague.  “We’ve never even met.  As you well know, I’ve only been in existence for about eight hours.”

“That’s eight hours too long if you ask me,” the one on the right shot back.  “And truth be told, I wish you wouldn’t ask me anything.  I’d rather just stand here in silence and enjoy the peace and quiet.”

“So you can give more thought to my question about who fills the role of Santa Claus for Santa Claus?” the one on the left asked ever so optimistically.

“No,” snapped the one on the right.  “I want silence so I can calculate how long it will take for the snow to melt you so I don’t have to listen to anymore of your inane chatter.”

There was a very long silence after that comment.

“Sorry to interrupt your mental math, but you realize that if I melt, you suffer the same fate, right?” the one on the left pointed out to his miserable comrade.

Christmas, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“If I tell you I’m using the quiet to think about who brings presents to Santa Claus on Christmas will you shut the hell up?” the one on the right growled.

“Even though it’s totally not in the spirit of the Christmas Season, I’m starting to wish our parents hadn’t stopped to collect the pebbles needed to give you a mouth!” the one on the left shouted at the one on the right.  “And I hate you for making me think that.”

“You think of the kids who built us as our parents?” the one on the right rebuffed.

“They gave us life,” the one on the left answered.  “What else would I call them?”

“This is all Frosty’s fault,” the one on the right complained.  “If he hadn’t blown things for us by being the first of our kind to speak, evolution wouldn’t have stepped in and given us all the ability.”

“If you’re going to bad mouth Frosty, I’m not going to speak to you,” the one on the left threatened.  “That’s heresy, and I don’t have to stand for it.”

Christmas, short story, humor, Modern PhilosopherThe snowman on the right was perpetually smiling because of the way the pebbles that formed his mouth had been arranged, but if he had any control over his facial expressions, that smile would have grown exponentially.

Instead, he just enjoyed the silence and thought of a few more disparaging things to say about Frosty should his companion in the field decide to start yapping again…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The Curious Snowman

  1. markbialczak says:

    Disagreements everywhere, you discover, Austin.

  2. So human of them! They overlooked an interesting, philosophical discussion and fell into a petty squabble.
    The answer to Left’s question is: yes. All the Santa Clauses (that settles those smug physics calculation about acceleration and airspeed) themselves have a Santa Claus2. The Claus2s have Claus3s. Turtle upon turtle, all the way down.

  3. Pingback: The Curious Snowman – Sarah's Attic Of Treasures

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