After bringing us good news about another vaccine being approved for emergency use, the FDA finally has some bad news, Modern Philosophers.
The agency is banning the sale of Republican Kool-Aid, and has ordered that the product immediately be pulled from stores shelves across the country. They have also banned the sale of it via online vendors.
In a statement released earlier today, the FDA stated:
“We are banning the sale of Republican Kool-Aid effective immediately. We don’t know what’s in the product that is causing severe side effects and traumatic reactions, but while we investigate further, we implore you to not drink the Republican Kool-Aid!”
Supposed side effects include, but are not limited to: paranoia, anger, rage, gullibility, a tendency to believe in the strangest conspiracy theories, a total lack of faith in the Electoral System, the overwhelming sense that something has been stolen from you, trespassing, acting like sheep, mistrusting the mainstream media, an over dependence on social media, and worshiping a false idol.
This news could not come at a worse time for Republicans as they gather for CPAC 2021, where all attendees have been promised unlimited helpings of Republican Kool-Aid served to them by Donald Trump.
Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who was scheduled to man the main Kool-Aid stand for he majority of the conference, was irate about the FDA’s ruling.
“When will the Democrats learn to stay out of our Kool-Aid?” Cruz demanded. “We are all drinking this Kool-Aid this weekend, even if I have to fly down to Mexico and bring some back from the stores down there. Drinking the Kool-Aid is our right, and it cannot be taken from us!”
No word yet as to how long the ban will last, but sources tell me that the longer people can be kept from drinking the Republican Kool-Aid, the better it will be for the entire country in the long run.
Remember, folks, it’s always safest to pour your own drinks…
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
Maybe Cruz went down there looking for a Mr. Potato Head that has a penis. You know how much Republicans like to be in other people’s knickers. And they can’t handle change or ambiguity. Darn non-binary potatoes. Thanks cancel culture! Thanks, Biden! 🤣
You never know what Republicans are going to do after they get hopped up on a few glasses of their Kool-Aid!
I wonder why they can’t think for themselves. Drinking Kool-Aid as a quick fix to intelligent exploration and reading is lazy.
You’d have to ask them, Sue. But I don’t suggest you do. They tend to get agitated easily…
Good thinking from my Snapple-drinking friend, Austin!
I know not to drink the Kool-Aid!