Leprechaun Portfolio Diversity

short story, St Patrick's Day, Modern Philosopher“Do you think leprechauns give any consideration to diversifying their portfolios?” Aaron asked shortly after he had settled in on his bench on his side of the river walk path.

On the other side of the path, Holly smiled brightly under her mask.

This was clearly the beginning one of her best friend’s classic silly rants, and it was even holiday themed!  She leaned back on her bench, and prepared to be entertained.

“Why would they?” she challenged knowing full well that it would just inspire him to leap full force over the ledge into ridiculousness.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he replied calmly.  “They’re magical creatures, so why would they care about the return on their investment?  But that is the kind of short-sighted thinking that leads to recessions and the top one percent gaining a stranglehold on the world’s economy.”

“So you blame any economic downturns, and the subsequent amassing of wealth by the uber rich on the financial failures of mythical creatures?” she sought clarification before taking the first sip of her coffee.

Aaron nodded emphatically.  “Yes, I do.  Look, I don’t care if they want to spend their riches on sharp green suits, fancy derbies, and tiny walking sticks.  It’s great that they are supporting those very specific businesses.  I’m just saying they could be doing so much more to stimulate the economy at a very trying time in this planet’s history.”

short story, St Patrick's Day, Modern PhilosopherHe took a long sip of his Snapple, as if getting out that theory had left him completely parched.

Holly nodded in understanding, but there was no way she was letting this go.  She’d had a long week and this was exactly the kind of fun she needed on a chilly Sunday.

“But I thought gold was the best way to invest your money?”

Aaron rolled his eyes.  He loved Holly, but her naivete could be so frustrating.

“Putting it all in gold is stupid,” he insisted like the captain of finance he definitely was not.  “Especially gold coins that you keep in a pot at the end of a rainbow.  What kind of security is that?  Anyone who follows a rainbow could end up walking off with a leprechaun’s life savings.  You can’t tell me they spend every waking hour guarding that pot.  Even if they did, they’re not earning any interest in the middle of the woods.  And that pot of gold is not FDIC insured.”

“Aren’t gold prices on the rise?” she asked all innocently even though she was really just playing devil’s advocate to egg him on for her amusement.

“That’s another fairy tale,” Aaron growled from his bench.  “Gold is not as reliable as it once was.  Maybe because all the damn leprechauns are hoarding it in the woods.  Now is the time to turn that gold into stocks and cash.  Perhaps even invest in some real estate since mortgage rates are so low, and the housing market is going to boom soon.”

Holly took another sip of her coffee and nodded.  “And if they did buy real estate, it would give them a better place to hide their pots of gold.  Assuming, of course, that they keep some of the gold, if only for a memento of the good old days…”

short story, St Patrick's Day, Modern PhilosopherAaron shot her a look like he was very suspicious that she was mocking him.

He was very sensitive to mockery, and would shut down quickly if he thought he was the victim of it.  Holly was well aware of this, and knew she had to keep him talking.

“One would think that St. Patrick’s Day is an excellent time for leprechauns to turn their gold into something more,” she lobbed him a softball and prayed that he swung for the fences.

“That’s so right,” he agreed after the slightest pause.  “Hell, St Patrick’s Day would be perfect.  A bunch of drunk revelers, with $1400 stimulus checks burning a hole in their pockets, just looking for the opportunity to feel ‘even more Irish’ on the big day.”

Holly nodded excitedly.  “Who wouldn’t want to buy gold coins from a leprechaun on March 17th?  What could be a luckier way to spend your money?”

“And if the leprechauns were smart, and something tells me they are both wise and crafty, they’d know how to take advantage of the situation,” Aaron continued.  “They could sell their gold coins for way more than what they’re actually worth on St Patrick’s Day.  If Trump can jack up the rates on his DC hotel to take advantage of his own knucklehead followers longing for his true inauguration on March 4th, leprechauns can do the same to drunks who are looking to get even more in touch with their Irish roots.”

short story, St Patrick's Day, Modern Philosopher“Then they take that cash, and invest it in the market, right?” Holly asked, her smirk not visible under her mask.

“Exactly!” Aaron leapt up off his bench and paced excitedly along the path, making sure to never come within six feet of her.

“The Dow has never been trading higher,” he reported.  “Trump tried to scare people into thinking that voting for Biden would lead to the worst depression in history, but instead, the market is booming.  If leprechauns really wanted to secure their futures, now is the time.  They’ve got both the Luck of the Irish and Joe Biden on their side.”

“Sure, the market will ebb, and there will be some rough times, but it’s still a better investment than leaving everything you own in a pot that anyone could find after it rains.”

“If I were a leprechaun, I’d be Googling a broker right now,” Holly assured him.

Aaron sat down and just stared across the path at her for the longest time.

“What?” she asked, blushing under her mask.

“I just can’t picture you in a green suit,” he chuckled.  “Plus, whenever you try to do an Irish accent, you sound like you’re in horrific pain.”

“As if!” she laughed.  “You’re totally stereotyping leprechauns, by the way.  I’d be a modern leprechaun, more fashionable and well-spoken than the ones depicted in fiction.  And I’d be wise enough to go to you for financial advice.”

“Bless your wee heart,” he replied and raised his Snapple in a toast.

short story, St Patrick's Day, Modern Philosopher

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Leprechaun Portfolio Diversity

  1. kristianw84 says:

    I love the levity you’ve created between these two!

  2. beth says:

    they are a great pair of characters –

  3. markbialczak says:

    They do belong in your novel, yes, Austin!

    • Austin says:

      I think I’ve found a natural way to add them to the story, while at the same time, giving fans of the blog a peek at their future… 🙂

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