Monologue Rejects For A CDC Rock Star

Dr Nirav Shah, The Nite Show, monologue jokes, Modern PhilosopherWe all have an inner fanboy or fangirl that’s just dying to get out and meet that one person we think of as a total rock star, Modern Philosophers.

It might be one of the few things that all humans have in common.  I’d have one of the blog interns fact check that, but they claim that due to social distancing, they really can’t gather to do grunt work for me at this time.

I once went to a signing at Golden Apple Comics to meet Kevin Smith.  He holds a very high place in my fanboy hierarchy, and I was so nervous to be face to face with him, that all I could say was, “Hi, Kevin Smith”.

Over the years, I’ve gotten slightly less socially awkward during such encounters.  Keep in mind, I have had to survive not one, but two business meetings with Dr. Dre, with the second one being in his home.

Luckily, I managed to say more than “Hi, Dr. Dre”, which was helpful since I was trying to convince him to produce my screenplay.

This week, my inner fanboy was awakened when Danny notified me that Dr. Nirav Shah was going to be a guest on The Nite Show.

You’re probably thinking, “This guy sure is obsessed with doctors!”, but I assure you that Dr. Dre and Dr. Shah work in entirely different fields.

Those of you not lucky enough to live in Maine might not know that Dr. Shah is the Director of Maine’s CDC.  You have probably heard, however, that there’s a pandemic sweeping our nation.  Dr. Shah is a major reason why Maine’s response has been so excellent compared to the rest of the country.

Maine also has the highest percentage of residents vaccinated against the virus.  Dr. Shah has a lot to do with that.  His daily updates and social media presence during the pandemic have helped Mainers keep what little is left of their sanity.

Dr Nirav Shah, The Nite Show, Maine, Modern PhilosopherThere is a very popular Facebook fan page dedicated to the man, and his love of Diet Coke is legendary in Maine.

Obviously, I wanted to write some great monologue jokes in his honor.  As always, only a few jokes can make the cut, so most of what I wrote didn’t make it onto the cue cards.  But since the jokes all wore masks and obeyed social distancing rules, I wanted to reward them by giving them a brief moment in the spotlight.

So here are a few of my rejected monologue jokes.  Please keep in mind that it’s my mission to always try to slip a zombie or time travel reference onto the air…

Maine CDC Director Dr. Nirav Shah is our guest tonight, and I plan to get answers to some of the most burning questions regarding the pandemic.  Such as: How accurate is The Walking Dead?  Is it really true that zombies can only be killed by a blow to the brain?

Maine CDC Director Dr. Nirav Shah is our guest tonight.  Interesting fact about Dr. Shah: We met briefly backstage before the show, and without any prompting, he wrote me a note stating that I’m required to wear a mask at all times.  Even when the pandemic is over!  I intend to get to the bottom of that once he’s out here…

Dr Nirav Shah, The Nite Show, Modern PhilosopherMaine CDC Director Dr. Nirav Shah is our guest tonight.  You know what that means: Every member of our studio audience is going home with two doses of the Moderna Vaccine!

Maine CDC Director Dr Nirav Shah is our guest tonight.  He’s here to either talk about Maine’s response to the Coronavirus, or to promote his new country album.  I guess we’ll find out once he’s out here…

Maine CDC Director Dr Nirav Shah is our guest tonight.  There are still some Mainers hesitant to get vaccinated against the Coronavirus and Dr Shah is here tonight…this can’t be right, but the cue card says… to meet any of those people in the parking lot after the show and challenge them to a fist fight…

Maine CDC Director Dr Nirav Shah is our guest tonight.  As is required by law, the Coronavirus will be on the show next week to have equal time to rebut anything Dr Shah says…

Maine CDC Director Dr Nirav Shah is our guest tonight as part of his victory tour to celebrate that Maine has the highest vaccination rate in the nation.  So suck it, Massachusetts!

Dr Nirav Shah, The Nite Show, Modern PhilosopherMaine CDC Director Dr Nirav Shah is our guest tonight.  I’m hoping that once and for all, he can finally confirm that I DO NOT have the cooties!

Not only was Dr. Shah nice enough to take a few minutes backstage after the show to chat with me, but he also agreed to pose for a photo.

When I introduced myself, he even remembered replying to my tweet on Saturday about how excited I was to be writing monologue jokes for his appearance!

It was pretty exciting to get to meet a true rock star in person.  It’s even cooler to confirm that he is a laid back, nice guy, with a great sense of humor.

I’m sorry that he didn’t get a chance to hear Danny delivering some of the jokes listed above, but maybe he’ll see this post and get a chuckle out of reading them.

All I know is that he totally made my night by finding a couple of minutes for me.

If that wasn’t cool enough, I received this from Twitter this morning:

Dr Nirav Shah, The Nite Show, Modern Philosopher

How cool is that, Modern Philosophers? What did you think of the rejected jokes? Have you been lucky enough to meet anyone on your fanboy/fangirl list?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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8 Responses to Monologue Rejects For A CDC Rock Star

  1. beth says:

    what a happy ending!

  2. markbialczak says:

    Great job, Austin. I liked the one that had everybody in the audience going home with two doses of the Moderna vaccine …
    I still have that fanboy feeling for Bruce Springsteen. I’ve gotten in the front row of the concert crowd but never had that face-to-face. I might stumble on my words a bit if given that chance, yes.

  3. I got to meet Cory Booker at the Washington State Democratic Convention in 2012. I’m not even sure I was able to get out, “Hi, Cory Booker!” I did get a picture of my giddy self standing next to him, though. That was pretty cool.

  4. kristianw84 says:

    I enjoyed the rejected jokes!

    I haven’t been fortunate enough to meet anyone on my fangirl list; however, Justin Long read a blog post I wrote about his podcast and messaged me to tell me that he thought I was a good writer, and incredibly kind! I was on cloud 9 for a month! It still makes me giddy when I think about it!

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