I make a lot of mistakes, Modern Philosophers.
When they are pointed out to me, I get super embarrassed and then vow to never make them again so I don’t have to experience such humiliation in the future. I know I’m far from perfect, but I was raised to believe that I was a failure for not being able to achieve perfection.
So when I screw up, and someone notices, I feel like a helpless little boy again. A little boy who spent too much time alone, ruminating on his imperfections, and wishing he could just be perfect so he could finally get some of the praise he so desperately craved.
As an adult, I still suffer from this. Probably more so now than I did in my youth. I have decades of experience at scolding myself and hating myself for my errors.
Lately, I’ve been erroneously equating my loneliness with a low self worth. I don’t know why I feel so isolated recently, but the result of that has led to my believing that I have very little value and nothing to contribute to society.
After all, if I did have value, people would want to be my friend and spend time with me. I wouldn’t be hopelessly single and wondering if anyone will ever love me again.
Luckily, a couple of long walks and a very long run have opened my eyes to the stupidity of that line of thinking. I’m just going through a rough patch and I’m wicked lonely, but that DOES NOT mean that my self worth has declined in any way.
That was a mistake on my part, and I’m admitting it publicly. And for once, I don’t feel like an idiot for making a mistake.
It’s just easy to get down on myself when there’s no one around to tell me I’m wrong. Sometimes, these wall I’ve put up to protect myself end up causing more damage than they’re worth.
I just thought it was important to put this out there in case there’s anyone else out there thinking that they aren’t worth much just because they are alone.
The other night, Danny used many of my jokes in the monologues of all three shows we taped. Once I post this, I’m going back to work on my debut novel, which I know is going to be a big hit.
And I know I’m a catch. Someday, someone is going to realize that and I won’t be all along in the world anymore.
If that someone is reading this post, could you PLEASE hurry up and open your eyes to the fact that I’m super duper amazing so I can move on to the happier portion of my future?
I’d really appreciate it.
And if anyone out there ever needs to talk, I’m here. I’m a great listener and always willing to be there for a friend in need…