When Loneliness Affects Your Self Worth

I make a lot of mistakes, Modern Philosophers.

When they are pointed out to me, I get super embarrassed and then vow to never make them again so I don’t have to experience such humiliation in the future.  I know I’m far from perfect, but I was raised to believe that I was a failure for not being able to achieve perfection.

So when I screw up, and someone notices, I feel like a helpless little boy again.  A little boy who spent too much time alone, ruminating on his imperfections, and wishing he could just be perfect so he could finally get some of the praise he so desperately craved.

As an adult, I still suffer from this.  Probably more so now than I did in my youth.  I have decades of experience at scolding myself and hating myself for my errors.

lonely, isolated, Modern PhilosopherLately, I’ve been erroneously equating my loneliness with a low self worth.  I don’t know why I feel so isolated recently, but the result of that has led to my believing that I have very little value and nothing to contribute to society.

After all, if I did have value, people would want to be my friend and spend time with me.  I wouldn’t be hopelessly single and wondering if anyone will ever love me again.

Luckily, a couple of long walks and a very long run have opened my eyes to the stupidity of that line of thinking.  I’m just going through a rough patch and I’m wicked lonely, but that DOES NOT mean that my self worth has declined in any way.

That was a mistake on my part, and I’m admitting it publicly.  And for once, I don’t feel like an idiot for making a mistake.

It’s just easy to get down on myself when there’s no one around to tell me I’m wrong.  Sometimes, these wall I’ve put up to protect myself end up causing more damage than they’re worth.

Ironic, right?

I just thought it was important to put this out there in case there’s anyone else out there thinking that they aren’t worth much just because they are alone.

life, mental health, Modern PhilosopherYeah, it sucks to be lonely, but I realize I’m still pretty damn awesome.

The other night, Danny used many of my jokes in the monologues of all three shows we taped.  Once I post this, I’m going back to work on my debut novel, which I know is going to be a big hit.

And I know I’m a catch.  Someday, someone is going to realize that and I won’t be all along in the world anymore.

If that someone is reading this post, could you PLEASE hurry up and open your eyes to the fact that I’m super duper amazing so I can move on to the happier portion of my future?

I’d really appreciate it.

And if anyone out there ever needs to talk, I’m here.  I’m a great listener and always willing to be there for a friend in need…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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13 Responses to When Loneliness Affects Your Self Worth

  1. kristianw84 says:

    I’m proud of you for realizing that your mistakes do not define your worth, and I agree, you are awesome!

    I constantly have to remind myself to strive for progress rather than perfection, and I also put up walls. This post resonates with me on multiple levels…

  2. Glenda says:

    Your worth is not bound up in a debut novel – which WILL be a best-seller – nor is your worth based on how many people tell you they love you. That’s a hard one. I was raised to think of myself as ugly and a failure (double whammy), and all my life, I feel like I’ve been living up to that. It’s very hard to overcome, and outward success is tied in with all of it. I’m older than you and still strive to improve myself. Sometimes it works, other times I find myself repeating damaging behaviors…yet again. I understand that this is your dime, but I felt you needed to know from someone a little older that you’re not alone, and improving yourself is not all about worldly measures. I mean, think of celebrities who, in our limited view, have everything. And they kill themselves. That blows me away every time because I value WAY TOO MUCH the outward signs of success. Take this alone time and get spiritual, or learn a new language, take up painting, or affect an accent – anything. You’re here on this earth at this time for a reason, even though that may not be clear. YOU ARE AUSTIN.

  3. beth says:

    you are not your mistakes. and just so you don’t forget, we all make mistakes. all of us. you are great just as you are

  4. Pingback: Why is my phone ringing now?: March 27 – A Silly Place

  5. markbialczak says:

    You do happen to live in a state where many people move to be more isolated, Austin, so that plays into the timing of your social structure and connections, I would guess. Your One will surface, please do not despair.

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