The Return of the Zombie King

“Happy Easter!” Aaron announced excitedly as he passed Holly a chocolate rabbit wrapped in gold foil.

Holly’s beautiful face lit up and her checks blushed.  “Aaron!  You didn’t have to do this…”

“I know and I almost didn’t,” he replied.  You won’t believe how much that cost.”

It was Easter Sunday, and the best friends were seated in their usual spot that overlooked the river.  It was windy and cold, but that’s Easter in Maine, folks.

“Obviously, money is no object when it comes to you,” he continued.  “It was just the principle of it.  I get that there’s a supply chain issue brought on by the never ending pandemic, which means that certain items aren’t going to be on the shelves when I go shopping, but that doesn’t mean they can just jack up the prices on a whim once the shelves are stocked again.”

Easter, inflation, Modern PhilosopherHolly looked down at her chocolate rabbit and smiled regardless.

“Thank you for going against your principles and buying this for me,” she said sweetly.

“I mean, I get that the price of gas is going to skyrocket because of the war in Ukraine, but why is there never any cat food in the stores?  And how come when there finally is cat food, the price of a can has gone from forty-five cents to seventy-nine?  That’s how they get you.  It’s not on the big ticket items, but on the little things that they hope you won’t notice.”

Holly nodded and sipped her coffee.

“I know it’s Easter, which makes the demand for Easter candy the highest it will be all year, but that doesn’t give the Grocery Cabal carte blanche to jack up the prices,” he continued to ramble.  “Let’s kick Americans in the wallet while they’re already down dealing with COVID symptoms.  Easter is supposed to be about how Jesus has risen, but this year it’s about how inflation has risen!”

Holly reached out for the bottle of Snapple that sat next to Aaron on the bench, and handed it to her best friend.  “Why don’t you have a sip of this and see if it settles you down?”

She offered a million dollar smile, which he could not resist.  He grabbed the bottle and took a long pull.

short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“Thanks again for the bunny,” she said as she held up the item.  “I’m definitely going to enjoy it.”

“I’m glad,” he replied as he replaced the cap on his Snapple.

“Have you got all the ranting out of your system?” she asked with a grin.  “After all, Easter is supposed to be a happy day.”

“Yeah, because it’s the day we celebrate that Jesus rose from the dead and became the most famous zombie in history,” he quipped.

Holly shook her head.  “What would the nuns do if they heard you say that?”

“They’d be pleased that I didn’t call Jesus the first zombie,” he replied without hesitation.  “That would be Lazarus, who rose from the dead a few episodes earlier in the Bible.  The nuns would be thrilled that I paid attention in Religion class many moons ago.”

“Jesus is not a zombie,” Holly clarified before taking a long sip of her coffee.

“When you’re watching Fear the Walking Dead tonight, take a moment to reflect that without Jesus’ rising from the dead on Easter Sunday, zombies wouldn’t be a thing.  That’s billions of dollars in lost revenue from movies, TV shows, comic books, novels, collectibles, etc.  Try to imagine how all that money lost would impact inflation.”

Holly sighed.  “I really want to strangle you sometimes.  But what would be the point?  You’d only return as a zombie and be more annoying than ever.”

Aaron smiled.  “And who would you have to thank for that?  Jesus.”

She rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the river…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to The Return of the Zombie King

  1. kristianw84 says:

    Hahahahahahahaha!!! In case it wasn’t obvious from the amount of “ha’s,” this made me laugh so hard!

  2. beth says:

    Happy Easter))))

  3. markbialczak says:

    I hope you had a great Easter, Austin.

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