No, It Isn’t Ironic

“I’ve decided it’s time for a new personal philosopher/mantra,” Aaron announced after he took a sip of his Snapple.

It was Sunday, and per usual, the best friends were seated on their favorite bench next to the river.  It was a gorgeous June morning, and their view was like something out of a postcard.

“What was wrong with the current one?  Too negative?” Holly quipped with a smile that lit up her beautiful face.

short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“The marketing department decided it was time for something fresh and new,” he explained with a straight face.  “You know, something to kick off the summer in Maine with a bang.”

She nodded in understanding and then took a drink of her coffee.

“Remind me what the current one was please…”

“Go away!” he replied without missing a beat.  “I really liked that one because it worked on multiple levels.  Not only did it warn away people, but it also reminded me to get the hell out of any situation that wasn’t me safe and sound at home in my bunker far from anyone else.”

Holly simply shook her head.

“If I had known you back in grammar school, my parents wouldn’t have allowed me to be friends with you,” Holly commented.  “They would have feared you’d grow up to be a serial killer.”

Now Aaron nodded.

“Of course, I didn’t become a serial killer,” he pointed out.  “Once again, I’ve failed to live up to parental expectations.  A theme with which I am most certainly familiar.”

Holly giggled.  “You wound up being more Al Bundy than Ted Bundy, so my parents weren’t really that far off.  Hit me with your new philosophy.”

flash fiction, relationships, humorAaron smiled and turned to face her.  “I’m glad you’re sitting down for this because it’s amazing. People equal pain.  The cool part is that the acronym is PEP, which sounds positive, but it’s the total opposite.”

“As Alanis would say: Isn’t it ironic?” Holly proposed.

“Don’t you think?” Aaron replied with a smirk.

For a moment, it seemed like the best friends were waiting for the other to break into song, but the moment passed without any crooning.

“That’s a philosophy that surely suits you, but it makes me sad that you believe it to be true,” she admitted with a sigh.  “After all, I consider myself to be people, but I’d like to think I don’t bring you any pain…”

Without any warning, and because they shared some sort of bizarre telepathic link that scientists have yet to be able to explain, the synchronized singing began.  And it was in perfect harmony.

It’s like rain on your wedding day…

A free ride when you already paid…

It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take…

And who would’ve thought?  It figures…

Once the signing ended, they each took a long sip of their drink of choice.

“My parents definitely would’ve been right to warn me away from you, regardless of how pretty your singing voice is,” Holly made clear.

“Hopefully, that would have fallen under the heading of “good advice that you just didn’t take”.

Holly rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the river.

Not at all ironically, the author would like to credit Alanis Morissette for the lyrics of her song “Ironic”.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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7 Responses to No, It Isn’t Ironic

  1. kristianw84 says:

    Jagged Little Pill was the first CD I ever purchased! What’s ironic about the song “Ironic” is that little to none of her references are actually ironic. If it rains on your wedding day, that’s coincidence. If you win the lottery but die before you get to claim the earnings, that’s good luck followed by bad luck.

    I like Aaron’s new philosophy. Sadly, it is true. Individually, people can be great. Collectively? Not so much. In large social gatherings, there’s always at least one person who tries to ruin the experience for everyone else. I’ll save that deep thought for another day, though, because I could go on forever…

    • Austin says:

      The song is about a series of unfortunate events, which has always led me to wonder if she purposely wrote a song about irony that wasn’t at all ironic…

      • kristianw84 says:

        I’ve always wondered that, too! Perhaps she should get together with Lemony Snicket. They could create A Series of Ironically Unfortunate Events.

  2. markbialczak says:

    Thanks for this week’s coincidental irony, Austin.

  3. beth says:

    I hope that this philosophy doesn’t last long, because while I think that people do sometimes equal pain, they most often equal positives.

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