A Cable Guy

“Want to guess what I did last night?” Aaron asked before he took a long sip of his Snapple.

It was the first Sunday of Autumn, and the best friends were seated on their favorite bench along the river.

“Your idea of a wild Saturday night is usually watching the Yankees, but they played in the afternoon, so that option is out…” Holly replied as her brain worked the possibilities.

“True,” he confirmed.  “You forgot to mention that they spanked your pathetic Red Sox for the third game in a row.”

“7-5 is hardly a spanking,” she countered.

“Tell that to the party on the receiving end,” he quipped with a wink.

short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“I’m going to ignore your disparaging comments about my team and guess that you got some writing done, cleared some shows off the DVR, and had a lengthy conversation with one of your cats about how you prefer felines to humans.”

Holly flashed a million dollar smile after giving her answer.  Then she took a long sip of her coffee.

“Close,” he remarked, “but the cats were too busy to waste time chatting with me.  I recorded the three episode Law & Order special that spanned the three shows in that universe, and cleared my Saturday night to watch it.”

“And by cleared your Saturday night you actually mean you didn’t have to do anything because you never have any plans on Saturday night?” Holly sought clarification.

“Hey, you said yourself I often have plans to watch the Yankees,” he said in his defense.

She rolled her eyes and took another sip of coffee.

“So how was your date with the detectives of Law & Order?” she asked.

“They’re not only detectives,” he reminded her.  “Some of them are also lawyers.”

Holly nodded.  “I’ve always wondered: Which ones are the law and which ones are the order?”

“I assume only Dick Wolf knows for sure,” he answered without hesitation.

Since that made sense, Holly had no further questions for the witness.

flash fiction, relationships, Modern Philosopher“I never got to find out how the case ended,” Aaron revealed.  “About five minutes into the third episode, when they finally unleashed the lawyers to do either the law or the order, the DVR froze.”

“That’s never a good thing,” Holly agreed.

They both knew how much Aaron hated change and always assumed the worst when something unexpected happened.  Holly was certain that this turn of events made Aaron believe that he would never be able to watch television again.

“I flipped around the channels, but there was nothing,” he continued.  “So I went onto Facebook and found the neighborhood newsgroup.  People complain in there about the cable being down all the time, so I was hoping to see that someone else was having a similar issue.  Alas, there were no such posts to put my mind at ease.”

Holly gulped.  Aaron’s mind ill at ease was a nightmare scenario for all.

“So what did you do?” she asked.

“It was a little after nine o’clock, so I went to bed.  I figured whatever the problem was, it would be sorted in the morning.  Of course, the first thing I thought about this morning when I woke up was whether or not the cable was working.”

“I would have been disappointed if you’d told me otherwise,” she quipped.

Aaron shot her a look and drank some more Snapple.

“I turned on the TV, and there was still nothing,” he revealed.  “After more than ten hours, the problem wasn’t fixed, which clearly meant I needed to ratchet my anxiety levels up a few notches.  After all, Sunday is for football and the Yankees are on ESPN tonight.”

“I’d like to comment on your getting ten hours of sleep, but I can table that conversation for another time,” Holly told him.

“I appreciate that level of self-control,” he told her.  “I was totally ready to have a meltdown and scream at some poor customer service rep from the cable company, but somehow, I managed a single, lucid thought.  It was noting short of a minor miracle.”

“Should I alert the Vatican?” she asked with a mischievous grin.

“Don’t bother Frankie yet,” he advised.  “I decided to unplug the cable box and see what happened when I plugged it in again.”

Holly raised an eyebrow at his ingenuity.  “Did that work?”

“Like a charm.  I’m still calculating how much I should charge the cable company for my services.  Right now, I’m thinking about withholding fifty dollars from my next cable bill.  What do you think about that number?”

Holly shrugged.  “Sounds a little on the low side considering the outrageous amounts they charge.  I’d go with at least $100.  Not only did you do a house call for them, you also had to deal with a grumpy customer who never got to find out if the criminal justice system prevailed.”

“One hundred dollars it is then,” he declared and raised his Snapple bottle in a toast.  “You should take twenty-five dollars off your next cable bill for consulting fees.”

Holly raised her coffee cup.  “To consulting fees!”

They nodded and drank.

“So how did the case finally end?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” he admitted.  “I’m afraid to watch the ending because I’m worried the recording is jinxed and will knock out my cable service again.”

Holly gave him a long look.  “You know you’re a very strange man, right?”

“Tell me about it…”

He laughed first, but she quickly joined in.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to A Cable Guy

  1. kristianw84 says:

    Aaron’s DVR seems to give him issues a lot. It would drive me crazy not knowing if the justice system actually prevailed, though. Haha!

  2. beth says:

    great fix, my first go-to method for all things tech

  3. markbialczak says:

    Glad to hear the unplug boot worked for Aaron, Austin.

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