Category Archives: Holidays

Is Thanksgiving Trying To Kill Me?

Dear Modern Philosophers, I am writing to you because I have an overwhelming sense of foreboding, and if anything happens to me, I want you to be able to tell the authorities who did it. I think Thanksgiving is trying … Continue reading

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We Should Be Thankful We’re All Still Alive

We should be thankful we’re all still alive… I overheard that gem recently while shopping for Thanksgiving dinner, Modern Philosophers. Of course, it piqued my interest, so I had to listen in a little longer to see if these strangers … Continue reading

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Go Stuff Yourself

Thanksgiving time Is back again, And that can only mean One thing… You must give in To the deepest, Darkest, Highest caloric Desires of your belly. Sure, this holiday Is about gratitude. I mean, It’s right there In the name, … Continue reading

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Time Traveling Turkeys

“I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and it seems that it would be in turkeys’ best interest to develop a time machine,” I announced to my Sunday guest as I fished a fresh bottle of Snapple out of … Continue reading

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What If The Pilgrims Had Run A 5K Instead?

Far too many Americans are fat and out of shape, Modern Philosophers. Do you know who I blame for this? The Pilgrims. Those judgmental bastards with the horrible fashion sense could have ensured that this was a nation of healthy, … Continue reading

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The Great Halloween Blackout

Do I have a wild and scary Halloween story for you, Modern Philosophers! You might have thought it strange that I would vanish and the blog would go dark during my favorite holiday, but Mother Nature left me no choice! … Continue reading

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The King of Halloween

“I’ve decided to make this your greatest Halloween ever!” The Devil declared as he entered the living room. As usual, he wore an impeccably tailored suit, but this week, the outfit was topped off by a pair of plastic horns … Continue reading

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