Tag Archives: 2016 Presidential Election

What The Hell-ary?

“Hey, buddy, do you have a second?” the Devil asked a little too sweetly from the doorway that led from the foyer to the living room. The innocent smile on his handsome face set off my internal alarms as I … Continue reading

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Advisers Urge President Obama To Declare Himself King

In the aftermath of Election Day, Modern Philosophers, America has seemed like an entirely different country as citizens react to and absorb the fact that Donald Trump has been elected the next President of the United States. Meanwhile, at the … Continue reading

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What’s Next For America?

Happy Veterans Day, Modern Philosophers! The flag has been flying proudly from the front porch of The House on the Hill all day.  Our country might be in turmoil, but we’re still Americans, still patriotic, and we still owe so … Continue reading

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Who Choked Harder: Hillary or America?

My fellow Americans and Modern Philosophers, I address you tonight from my basement bunker. Now that the election is over and Future President Trump has become President Elect Trump, I plan to live out the next four years in the … Continue reading

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Trump University To Buy The Electoral College?

In a stunning development on the eve of Election Day, Wall Street insiders have announced that Trump University is attempting to buy the Electoral College. Most political pundits agree that the only way Donald Trump could defeat Hillary Clinton and … Continue reading

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Highly Debatable

“Do you mind if I hang around and watch the debate?” The Devil asked as he handed me an ice cold Snapple. If you’re ever going to ask a favor of me, doing so as you bribe me with my … Continue reading

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#NoTrumpsMatter Movement Grows As Election Approaches

Election Day is less than two months away, Modern Philosophers, and as fate hurtles us precariously closer to the reality of Future President Trump, civil unrest threatens to make the future even more apocalyptic. At the eye of the latest … Continue reading

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Why Won’t Trump Woo The Albinos?

You don’t need to be Donald Trump’s personal chef, Modern Philosophers, to know he prefers white meat. Trump’s popularity among voters increases exponentially as the color of their skin gets lighter.  Conversely, the Republican Presidential candidate’s desire to ban people … Continue reading

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My Emails With Hillary

I promised her I would never tell, Modern Philosophers, and I’m usually a man of my word when it comes to affairs of the heart. But the FBI is about to make it public anyway, so I want to come … Continue reading

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Does America Need A Monarchy?

When I clocked out at 5:00 today, Modern Philosophers, I put an end to a three week stretch during which I worked a whopping 158 hours. I am thrilled that it’s Friday night because I really need the vacation that … Continue reading

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