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© Austin Hodgens and The Return of the Modern Philosopher, 2012-2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Austin Hodgens and The Return of the Modern Philosopher with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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Tag Archives: crime
Man Arrested For Assault After Hitting The Bottle
Rough days. We’ve all had a few, Modern Philosophers. Maybe not as rough as Ryan Doyle, a Milford resident, who was arrested for assault this afternoon after police were called to the local Hannaford. Doyle, a lifelong Mainer, who other … Continue reading
Posted in Humor, Philosophy
Tagged bottles, crime, drinking, hard day, Humor, life, Modern Philosopher, police, Sarcasm, satire, stress
8 Comments
Dragons Sought For Questioning In Bangor Bank Heist
Bangor Police and Fire Departments are investigating a bank robbery at the Chase Bank on Colorado St that resulted in the building being burned to the ground. Bank officials have not yet disclosed how much money was taken in the … Continue reading
Posted in Humor, Philosophy
Tagged bank robbery, crime, Dragons, fire, Humor, Modern Philosopher, Point Break, Sarcasm, satire
8 Comments
Thieves Surrender Once They Realize They Robbed A Sperm Bank
A crew of criminal masterminds (and I use that term ironically, Modern Philosophers) surrendered today to authorities in Southern Maine after they realized that the bank they’d robbed was a sperm bank. A spokesperson for the Portland Police Department told … Continue reading
Posted in Humor, Philosophy
Tagged bank robbery, crime, heist, Humor, Modern Philosopher, Sarcasm, satire, sperm bank
13 Comments
Two Burglars Killed After Breaking Into Maine Home Disguised As Zombies
Two men were killed, and a third seriously injured, after they broke into a home in the middle of the night…disguised as Zombies. Authorities are not releasing the names of the victims at this time, but a source within the … Continue reading
Posted in Humor, Philosophy
Tagged break in, burglary, crime, Humor, Maine, Modern Philosopher, Sarcasm, satire, self defense, Zombies
3 Comments
Mr. Potato Head Gets Baked; Mrs. Potato Head Sought For Questioning
An office St. Patrick’s Day party turned into a crime scene when an unsuspecting reveler discovered a body at the baked potato bar. “We do a baked potato bar every year to celebrate the Holiday,” a flustered Pamela Shivers explained … Continue reading
Posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy
Tagged crime, Humor, Modern Philosopher, Mr. Potato Head, murder, Party, Sarcasm, satire, St Patricks' Day
16 Comments
Frosty The Snowman Missing; Last Seen Arguing With Heat Miser
Frosty the Snowman might be a jolly, happy soul, Modern Philosophers, but right now he’s something else…missing! The world’s most famous Snowman was last seen on Saturday night at the North Pole’s Jack Frost Lounge, where Frosty had been celebrating … Continue reading
Posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy
Tagged Christmas, crime, Frosty, Heat Miser, Humor, missing, Modern Philosopher, North Pole, Sarcasm, satire, snowman
13 Comments
Several Of Santa’s Elves Arrested For Selling Spots On The Nice List
As the calendar turns to December, it looks like scandal has rocked the North Pole, Modern Philosophers. My sources at Santa’s Village tell me that North Pole Police raided Santa’s Workshop just after 9:00AM, and arrested several Elves, who have … Continue reading
Posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy
Tagged crime, Elves, Humor, Modern Philosopher, naughty, nice, North Pole, Santa Claus, Sarcasm, satire, scandal
43 Comments
Harry Potter To Help Bangor PD Battle Bath Salts Users
This Modern Philosopher is delighted to announce that Harry Potter has found a new adventure right here in Maine. “Harry Potter & The Crazed Bath Salts Users” might not be the catchiest title, but don’t even try to tell me … Continue reading
Posted in Humor, Philosophy
Tagged Bangor PD, bath salts, Books, crime, Harry Potter, Hogwarts, Humor, Magic, Modern Philosopher, satire, wands
20 Comments
Maine Man Faces Murder Charges For Turning Girlfriend Into Zombie
Modern Philosophers, I like to keep the mood light and upbeat on the blog, but I wouldn’t be doing my job properly if I failed to report on this horrible bit of news out of my adopted hometown. A Brewer … Continue reading
Posted in Humor, Philosophy
Tagged breakups, crime, Humor, missing hiker, Modern Philosopher, murder, satire, Zombies
6 Comments
