Tag Archives: crime

Man Arrested For Assault After Hitting The Bottle

Rough days.  We’ve all had a few, Modern Philosophers. Maybe not as rough as Ryan Doyle, a Milford resident, who was arrested for assault this afternoon after police were called to the local Hannaford. Doyle, a lifelong Mainer, who other … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Dragons Sought For Questioning In Bangor Bank Heist

Bangor Police and Fire Departments are investigating a bank robbery at the Chase Bank on Colorado St that resulted in the building being burned to the ground. Bank officials have not yet disclosed how much money was taken in the … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Thieves Surrender Once They Realize They Robbed A Sperm Bank

A crew of criminal masterminds (and I use that term ironically, Modern Philosophers) surrendered today to authorities in Southern Maine after they realized that the bank they’d robbed was a sperm bank. A spokesperson for the Portland Police Department told … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Two Burglars Killed After Breaking Into Maine Home Disguised As Zombies

Two men were killed, and a third seriously injured, after they broke into a home in the middle of the night…disguised as Zombies. Authorities are not releasing the names of the victims at this time, but a source within the … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Mr. Potato Head Gets Baked; Mrs. Potato Head Sought For Questioning

An office St. Patrick’s Day party turned into a crime scene when an unsuspecting reveler discovered a body at the baked potato bar. “We do a baked potato bar every year to celebrate the Holiday,” a flustered Pamela Shivers explained … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Frosty The Snowman Missing; Last Seen Arguing With Heat Miser

Frosty the Snowman might be a jolly, happy soul, Modern Philosophers, but right now he’s something else…missing! The world’s most famous Snowman was last seen on Saturday night at the North Pole’s Jack Frost Lounge, where  Frosty had been celebrating … Continue reading

Posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Several Of Santa’s Elves Arrested For Selling Spots On The Nice List

As the calendar turns to December, it looks like scandal has rocked the North Pole, Modern Philosophers. My sources at Santa’s Village tell me that North Pole Police raided Santa’s Workshop just after 9:00AM, and arrested several Elves, who have … Continue reading

Posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 43 Comments

Harry Potter To Help Bangor PD Battle Bath Salts Users

This Modern Philosopher is delighted to announce that Harry Potter has found a new adventure right here in Maine.  “Harry Potter & The Crazed Bath Salts Users” might not be the catchiest title, but don’t even try to tell me … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Maine Man Faces Murder Charges For Turning Girlfriend Into Zombie

Modern Philosophers, I like to keep the mood light and upbeat on the blog, but I wouldn’t be doing my job properly if I failed to report on this horrible bit of news out of my adopted hometown. A Brewer … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Maine Criminologist Disproves The Theory That Only The Good Die Young

Richard Tanner, a Criminology Professor at The University of Maine, today submitted a paper that clearly disproves the romantic notion that only the good die young.  In fact, Professor Tanner’s work goes on to show that good people outlive the … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Love, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments